TV Guidance
The networks tickle our taste for absurdly elaborate and unlikely circumstances again with Who Wants to Be a US Citizen?, the new reality TV show based on President Bush's proposed immigration legislation. See what happens when Carlos, Juan, Jorge, Diego, Mariposa, Consuela, and Julio are taken off the raft and into a two-bedroom tenement where they'll compete for a visa to work in the United States - and start getting real on camera! Who'll get deported? Who'll hook up? Find out at 8:30 Sunday nights on Fox!
Saturday, January 24, 2004
Fun with facts!
Who says no news is good news? The Unicorn Shack occasionally exploits the very serious world of current events to make some bad puns loosely based on unconfirmed rumors and generate some search-engine results.
Avian influenza
One flu over the cuckoo's nest
- or -
Oops, we thought birds were cannibals
Who says no news is good news? The Unicorn Shack occasionally exploits the very serious world of current events to make some bad puns loosely based on unconfirmed rumors and generate some search-engine results.
Avian influenza
One flu over the cuckoo's nest
- or -
Oops, we thought birds were cannibals
Sunday, January 18, 2004
Help for Heteros
Is your boyfriend an unwitting target for closeted homosexuals' come-ons? Tired of watching them flirt with him under the guise of interest in comic books and Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Put an end to it all with Homo No Mo' cologne! The scent of freesia and vaginal secretions combined with his pheromones will drive even the strongest self-denying gay man to face the actuality of his repressed sexuality elsewhere.
Homo No Mo' ...when it's time to set things straight!
Is your boyfriend an unwitting target for closeted homosexuals' come-ons? Tired of watching them flirt with him under the guise of interest in comic books and Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Put an end to it all with Homo No Mo' cologne! The scent of freesia and vaginal secretions combined with his pheromones will drive even the strongest self-denying gay man to face the actuality of his repressed sexuality elsewhere.
Homo No Mo' ...when it's time to set things straight!
Saturday, January 17, 2004
Albums of the year
Though 2004 has only just begun, The Unicorn Shack has its nominations in! The following albums are poised for recognition in 2005.
The Skinny Bitches - I'm Fuckin' Hungry!
Voyeurs' Antisemite Delight - The Chosen Peephole
Breaster Roundsby - Tune In, Tokyo
Cracker Jack - Iridescent Flesh
Jesus Chic - The Lord is My Savoir-Faire
The Condoms - Full O' Cum
John Mayer - Songs for Your Girlfriend
Though 2004 has only just begun, The Unicorn Shack has its nominations in! The following albums are poised for recognition in 2005.
The Skinny Bitches - I'm Fuckin' Hungry!
Voyeurs' Antisemite Delight - The Chosen Peephole
Breaster Roundsby - Tune In, Tokyo
Cracker Jack - Iridescent Flesh
Jesus Chic - The Lord is My Savoir-Faire
The Condoms - Full O' Cum
John Mayer - Songs for Your Girlfriend
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
In the news...
MBNA Tells Me to Go Fuck Myself
SOMERVILLE, January 14 - In an unprecedented gesture of apathy, MBNA nonchalantly suggested the termination of our relationship yesterday after four long years of love, expenditures, and timely payments upon discovery of my employment status, and thereafter refused questions about the meaning of the bond we'd formed over these years, perhaps the best of my life.
"I don't know what happened," I told myself in an interview, "I thought we meant something to each other."
The courtship began in 2000 and quickly turned into a whirlwind affair. Credit limits were increased with passionate rapidity. Payments were reciprocated with many gift offers, such as a set of knives and a solar-operated radio.
"I knew something was wrong when my APR went up to 24.98%. When I confronted MB[NA] about it, they started asking questions about my household income. That never mattered to them before."
MBNA could not be reached for questioning after a 20 minute hold period.
The pain of this loss was exacerbated by the discovery of a letter from MBNA containing a pre-approved account to roommate Krista.
MBNA Tells Me to Go Fuck Myself
SOMERVILLE, January 14 - In an unprecedented gesture of apathy, MBNA nonchalantly suggested the termination of our relationship yesterday after four long years of love, expenditures, and timely payments upon discovery of my employment status, and thereafter refused questions about the meaning of the bond we'd formed over these years, perhaps the best of my life.
"I don't know what happened," I told myself in an interview, "I thought we meant something to each other."
The courtship began in 2000 and quickly turned into a whirlwind affair. Credit limits were increased with passionate rapidity. Payments were reciprocated with many gift offers, such as a set of knives and a solar-operated radio.
"I knew something was wrong when my APR went up to 24.98%. When I confronted MB[NA] about it, they started asking questions about my household income. That never mattered to them before."
MBNA could not be reached for questioning after a 20 minute hold period.
The pain of this loss was exacerbated by the discovery of a letter from MBNA containing a pre-approved account to roommate Krista.
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
Sports Trivia
Did they win?
a.) YEAH! Woo-hoo!
b.) Did who win?
c.) Win what?
d.) When?
e.) I don't care.
That guy...
a.) ...so could've made that goal.
b.) ...was totally safe!
c.) ...was totally out!
d.) ...was totally out of syncronicity with the other swimmers!
e.) ...gives me a boner.
f.) ...all of the above.
Are you going to watch the game?
a.) Does a one-winged duck swim in circles?
b.) Only if I don't have to share the blanket with uncle Chester again.
c.) Uno isn't really a spectator sport.
d.) Perhaps the game will watch me.
e.) I am the game.
Did they win?
a.) YEAH! Woo-hoo!
b.) Did who win?
c.) Win what?
d.) When?
e.) I don't care.
That guy...
a.) ...so could've made that goal.
b.) ...was totally safe!
c.) ...was totally out!
d.) ...was totally out of syncronicity with the other swimmers!
e.) ...gives me a boner.
f.) ...all of the above.
Are you going to watch the game?
a.) Does a one-winged duck swim in circles?
b.) Only if I don't have to share the blanket with uncle Chester again.
c.) Uno isn't really a spectator sport.
d.) Perhaps the game will watch me.
e.) I am the game.
Thursday, January 08, 2004
Are you fat?
Find out with this exclusive Unicorn Shack Questionaire!
1.) Are your ribs visible through your taut flesh?
a.) Of course!
b.) Not really.
c.) Mmm, ribs...
2.) How do you handle an eating binge after the fact?
a.) Vomiting is the natural follow-up to an eating binge.
b.) I don't really find myself binge-eating.
c.) Sleep it off.
3.) What do you think of size 0?
a.) It's a little loose.
b.) It's obviously intended to manipulate women's sense of self-worth by legitimizing and therefore encouraging an unhealthy weight level.
c.) I'm more into sweatpants.
4.) Cheesecake is...
a.) ...the enemy.
b.) ...not a problem in moderation.
c.) Where? WHERE!?
5.) The best way to get a man's attention is...
a.) ...to show my femininity by looking frail and eating salads.
b.) I don't require a man's attention to validate my womanhood.
c.) "...Hey, waiter!"
Done? The key is as follows:
If you answered anything other than "a" for any of these questions, you're a big fatty-fatpants and need help. Lucky for you, The Unicorn Shack is on the case! For three easy payments of $29.99 and one spirit-crushing payment of $149.99, you can get yourself The Unicorn Shack Fasting Kit. Comes complete with absolutely nothing edible and a tongue depressor for emergency vomit-inducing. Get yours before it's too late, fat ass!
Find out with this exclusive Unicorn Shack Questionaire!
1.) Are your ribs visible through your taut flesh?
a.) Of course!
b.) Not really.
c.) Mmm, ribs...
2.) How do you handle an eating binge after the fact?
a.) Vomiting is the natural follow-up to an eating binge.
b.) I don't really find myself binge-eating.
c.) Sleep it off.
3.) What do you think of size 0?
a.) It's a little loose.
b.) It's obviously intended to manipulate women's sense of self-worth by legitimizing and therefore encouraging an unhealthy weight level.
c.) I'm more into sweatpants.
4.) Cheesecake is...
a.) ...the enemy.
b.) ...not a problem in moderation.
c.) Where? WHERE!?
5.) The best way to get a man's attention is...
a.) ...to show my femininity by looking frail and eating salads.
b.) I don't require a man's attention to validate my womanhood.
c.) "...Hey, waiter!"
Done? The key is as follows:
If you answered anything other than "a" for any of these questions, you're a big fatty-fatpants and need help. Lucky for you, The Unicorn Shack is on the case! For three easy payments of $29.99 and one spirit-crushing payment of $149.99, you can get yourself The Unicorn Shack Fasting Kit. Comes complete with absolutely nothing edible and a tongue depressor for emergency vomit-inducing. Get yours before it's too late, fat ass!
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
Marriage counseling corner
"Dry humping saved my marriage!"
- you
That's right folks; that's what you'll be saying after you read this compelling discussion of dry humping, marriage, and dry humping's saving of marriage.
Are you tired of penetration? That same old in-and-out getting you down? Perhaps the flames of romance in your marriage have been smothered by gobs of bedside Astroglide.
Well, there's one solution that's "rocking" couples everywhere: dry humping. Feel the adolescent passion of delayed gratification by keeping your clothes on. But can I get off that way? you ask. Well, sure! Enough friction can start a fire, let alone stimulate your dirty, nasty genitals to orgasm. Try it today!
"Dry humping saved my marriage!"
- you
That's right folks; that's what you'll be saying after you read this compelling discussion of dry humping, marriage, and dry humping's saving of marriage.
Are you tired of penetration? That same old in-and-out getting you down? Perhaps the flames of romance in your marriage have been smothered by gobs of bedside Astroglide.
Well, there's one solution that's "rocking" couples everywhere: dry humping. Feel the adolescent passion of delayed gratification by keeping your clothes on. But can I get off that way? you ask. Well, sure! Enough friction can start a fire, let alone stimulate your dirty, nasty genitals to orgasm. Try it today!
So topical!
In the news:
The Bush administration sinks to nearly compassionate humanitarianism to procure the hispanic contingent of the vote in 2004 in its new proposed immigration legislation. Critics and proponents alike are lauding the administration for its prudence in suspending world domination and the elimination of the weak to secure a second term.
When asked about reconciling this gross inconsistency wthin an otherwise successfully draconian occupation of the United States government, a White House spokesperson said, "The illegal aliens (or shadow-dwellers) this legislation targets will never actually receive greencards 'cause-" he giggled, "because the wait period is at least six years, and guest worker status expires after six years, leading to deportation. So we've essentially designed a plan that will screw hispanics AND get their vote."
In the news:
The Bush administration sinks to nearly compassionate humanitarianism to procure the hispanic contingent of the vote in 2004 in its new proposed immigration legislation. Critics and proponents alike are lauding the administration for its prudence in suspending world domination and the elimination of the weak to secure a second term.
When asked about reconciling this gross inconsistency wthin an otherwise successfully draconian occupation of the United States government, a White House spokesperson said, "The illegal aliens (or shadow-dwellers) this legislation targets will never actually receive greencards 'cause-" he giggled, "because the wait period is at least six years, and guest worker status expires after six years, leading to deportation. So we've essentially designed a plan that will screw hispanics AND get their vote."
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