This Week's Highlights

Share in the abridged glory of this week in the life of the Administratrix.

I had a nightmare that I had a job.
I returned to my first post-graduation job in this dream, groveled to be reinstated, then ran away in silent cowardice on the first day back.

Many fruit flies died by my hand.
Thrust into the heart of darkness on a serial fly-murdering mission, I sacrificed my humanity to become a killing machine.

My husband licked his own nipple.
Boys can do it too, apparently.

My cleverness knew no bounds.
After mixing together the leftovers of several different bags of low-grade marijuana, I proudly named the creation "pot-pourri."

I refused to bear a child.
In another casual conversation, I glibly renounced my reproductive capacity.

What a week! They can't all be this awash with happening...

Unarchives

Stupid joke that, yes, I made up #17

Q: Why didn't the man who froze himself awaken?
A: His plan wasn't very well thawed-out!*

*Punctuates the clamor of shame.

Promotional item #459

Yay! You're in college, now. What's first on the list? Check out the dining hall? Purchase overpriced plastic "storage" units? Avail yourself to institutionalized exploitation by buying $100-a-piece textbooks from a monopoly-owned corporation with unfair labor standards?

Wrong! Hook up that stereo and shake the tweeter with College Cool, Vol. I.

That's right, kids; we've spent hours upon hours in the basement of a dorm researching what you seem to like and this compilation cd is what we've come up with.

Included are...

Classic Techno CD Skip
This piece features the quintessential techno beat with a built in skip in the cd track, so you can enjoy that 3-second loop over and over again - forever!

Yelling and Drums
Continuous, angry shouting accompanied by a simple 4/4 drum beat. Great for studying!

Nothing But Bass
Can't seem to get your stereo to blare that pure bass sound? Tweak no more with this track! Your whole life will vibrate with 130+ decibels of the lowest pitches audible to the human ear.

Someone Kicking a Trashcan
10 minutes and 45 seconds of pure trashcan-kicking goodness.

...and many more!

Put it on your credit card - then put it on "repeat!"

Red Sox ParaFUNanlia!

The Unicorn Shack has decided to enter the lucrative world of sports merchandise! We're offering an exciting new product line for discriminating local fanatics.

Team Pride Self-Branding Kit^TM

Wanna show off your team pride? Brand it into your flesh! Kit includes stainless-steel soleplate with team logo (heats up to 600 degrees Fahrenheit) and 3-foot cord to plug into any outlet!

Yankees Suck Crossbow^TM

Are you a "Yankee Hatah?" Prove it with the Yankees Suck Crossbow^TM and pick off those scum-sucking filth-mongerers and their fans two at a time. That's what we call a double play! Not recommended for children under the age of 12.

Official Team Rope^TM

Tired of the pain they keep putting you through every season? Don't know what you'll do if they almost make it to the World Series this year? Stop whining about it and hang yourself with Official Team Rope^TM. Uses Royal American 3 Strand Nylon rope made in the USA.

Red Sox Car Jack^TM

At last the Red Sox have won the World Series! What are you going to do? Avoid back injuries flipping over cars and use the Red Sox Car Jack^TM first! That extra foot or so provides the ease in car-flipping that you'll need during this hysterical - and historic - moment.
Goes great with...

Boston Sox Flame-Thrower^TM

Companion piece to the Red Sox Car Jack^TM, this beauty will help you celebrate in the only way your rabid fanaticism will allow - setting the town on fire. Has a 15-yard shooting range to get those hard-to-reach places.

Call now to receive your free catalogue! 1-800-PARAFUNALIA

Letters to Betty

It's time again to read and respond to completely authentic letters from our beloved (and very un-made up) readers.
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Dear Betty,

I think I may be in love with myself. What should I do?

-Narcy Siss

Dear Narcy,

The best course of action would be to explore working in the performing arts, preferably as an actor or a musician. Or, if you don't have any artistic talents, try stand-up comedy.

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Dear Betty,

I just don't know what to do this election. The nuances of this process elude me entirely. Do you have any advice for me?

- Abe Olitical

Dear Abe,

You should look into voting. There may well be a facility in your area that provides small, curtained areas for you to stand in while you do it.

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Dear Betty,

My boyfriend wants to have anal sex but I'm not sure I want to. What should I say to him?

- Millie Vanilla

Dear Millie,

Nothing. You should always give a man what he wants. Just get some water-based lubricant, a medium-sized dildo, and something to bend him over.

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Dear Betty,

My barbie dolls are missing! Do you know where they are or who might've taken them?

- Barbie-less in Boston

Dear Barbie-less,

Nope. Don't know. Why are you asking me, anyway? I don't have them. I hate barbies. I hate their rubbery long legs and shiny hair, shapely buttocks and thighs... delicate, feminine feet... so many outfits to put on... and take off...

This abruptly concludes this post. Stay tuned for more sage-like advice from Betty, or send your own desperately naive quandaries to bettyballsworth@yahoo.com.

Do you want to be a unicorn?

Here at The Unicorn Shack we try to encourage imagination and/or delusional thinking. Follow this link and follow your dreams!

"I died" and other lies

We've sent our fact-checkers and proofreaders on a brief hiatus in order to bring you the following very special post. The Unicorn Shack wants you to get to know Betty with the fun "celebrity" game that keeps you guessing - is she straightforward or frontin'?

Example: I died.

Truth or lie? LIE. Betty never died; to the wild disdain of many she lives to this day in a delirious haze of grandiose escape plans and bed-making.

I'm great in bed.

Truth or lie? TRUTH. Census of previous lovers indicates that, despite profound bitterness, intercourse with Betty is recalled with resentful lust.

I like unicorns.

Truth or lie? LIE. Betty hates unicorns and surrounds herself with them only to serve as a reminder that reality stands in stark contrast to fantasy.

I am an assasin.

Truth or lie? LIE. If Betty told you this one night in some sort of watering hole, you can be sure she was either trying to impress you or frighten you off. Perhaps both. She may have the occasional hit-and-run under her belt, but those were no highfalutin intentional deaths.

That's not my Barbie!

Truth or lie? TRUTH. Betty does not own or play with dolls, dammit. Especially not to play pretend-lesbian-friend games in the closet.

I live in a dorm.

Truth or lie? TRUTH. Much to her post-academic chagrin, Betty lives on campus at Boston University.

I love living in that dorm.

Truth or lie? LIE. Though she may have claimed to enjoy being underneath a college freshman, the basement of a dorm is totally not what she meant. Betty longs to cast off the manacles of the institution and get high in her own home, just like it was when she was a kid.

The end.