This Week's Highlights

New heights of delight were achieved this week, as follows.

I failed to accurately convey the weirdness of a dream.
Not for lack of trying.

I wished I could shoot lasers out of my eyes.
Seriously, that would be awesome.

I used the phrase "This is our little secret" on at least two occasions.
My creepiness index went up a point.

I downloaded a bunch of power ballads from the 80's.
The devil made me do it. The devil likes Foreigner!

The government ruined my life.
I was financially penalized for a harmless error and subsequently made to feel my seemingly infinite impotence in a bureaucracy effective only in being cumbersome and unfair.

Sports fans go away.
The sixth circle of hell that is Fenway closed for the season.

People were stupid.
Ubiquitous idiocy reigned supreme.

I'm sorry I emasculated you in front of your friends

A letter to the guy* at the thing.**

Dear the guy,

I'm sorry I emasculated you in front of your friends. I realize that you didn't expect your stale notions of human existence or gender norms to be challenged by a dumb girl this evening.

All I can offer is my deepest condolences for the deflation of your ego and presumably your erection, though gladly I have no empirical evidence of the latter.

Best of wishes for the recovery of your delusional and archaic way of thinking.

love,
Betty

* Does it really matter which one?
** Let's assume some universal setting like a speakeasy or bath house.

I know timing is everything, but I really want this suicide note to be perfect!

Prominent and semi-prominent people are dying. A lot. While we're not fearing the reaper, I figured I might as well make some glib commentary.

What can we do when our heroes off themselves?

• Sigh with relief about that last-minute decision to use pencil for "heroes list."
• Soliloquize in public places about the aberrant parody of humanity that is modern existence.
• Write a poem or short story.
• Throw a my-hero-died-so-buy-me-stuff party.
• Send a strongly-worded letter to Jesus.
• Shrug with jaded cynicism and tell everyone you saw it coming.
• Find new, less talented, more stable hero.
• Use it to get out of school/work/rehab.
• Let everyone know that you had nothing to do with it.
• Call friends to arrange collection of bet winnings.
• Make a list of mildly amusing reactions to mask your bemused chagrin.

This Week's Highlights

Another week has passed. All right, more than a week. Feh! Have some highlights, already.

Gotta be me, drug free.
I abstained from all drug use for 7 days in a row just to see if I could.

I got real mad a lot.
Anger management skills reached lowest levels since adolescence and/or cocaine withdrawal.

March began.
Another page was turned on my Star Trek (OS) calendar.

My disillusionment with humanity knew no bounds.
People alienated me and I made sweeping generalizations about it.

My reclaiming of my identity as dope fiend knew no bounds.
The wanton drug bender I enacted following my 7-day abstinence was a terrible success.

I found new ways to express myself.
I was driven to make a t-shirt reflecting my general belligerence.

More alienation occurred.
At least one person probably thought I was too something: aggressive, intoxicated, leather-clad.

I denied imaginary accusations of being too aggressive, intoxicated, and leather-clad.

I conceded to the idea that I may have imagined some accusations.

Snow.

What Men Want

A Cosmo extraction.*

Let's face it, girls, we're here for them! Once you've landed a man, cooking for him, cleaning for him, pleasing him, having his children, and taking the occasional punch in the jaw are all part of the gig. But how can you be sure you're doing everything correctly, gracefully, and with efficiency? Wouldn't it be great to have some guidance from the men we adore and serve? Well, wonder no more; we got the goods straight from the horse's mouth - we asked some of our favorite guys what they want, and this is what they told us.

"I like it when she goes down on me and leaves afterwards. Oh, and comes back to make the bed when I'm in the shower, but secretly, and leaves again before I get out."

"Don't talk about yourself. Unless you're talking about what you like about me, specifically stuff like going down on me and how much you enjoy it."

"It's best if she swallows, 'cause you know, less mess. Unless we're at her place. I don't mind leaving my seed there."

"It's a myth that men prefer virgins. They give really lousy head, it turns out."

"A neck massage is awesome after a really great blow job."

"I like it when girls say dirty words and stuff. It would be great if they could do that while they give head, but, you know, then it's all 'mmmrrmmfff' and 'cmmmnnk.'"

"You've got to be able to really cook a great meal. And go down on me."

*All implications present in this post are derived from and inspired by an issue of Cosmopolitan Magazine and are completely true.