The Unicorn Shack's Teen Sex Guide

All right, kids! Enough of you have found this site while researching dry humping that it's time we address the subject with a Q & A session. Please clear your desks, stop touching yourselves, and pay attention.

Q: Can I get pregnant from dry humping?
A: You can't get pregnant, little Johnny, because you're infertile. And a boy.

Q: What if I'm a fertile girl?
A: Then your parents have some explaining to do - to both of us.

Q: Is dry humping fun?
A: Well, sure! It's low maintenance and doesn't require the other person's permission or consciousness.

Q: How is it done?
A: Remember what Auntie Jane's dog did to your leg? Something like that, but hopefully involving someone within your own species.

Q: Can you achieve orgasm from dry humping?
A: That's rather personal.

Q: No, when I said "you" I meant the plural non-specific.
A: Oh.

Q: Well?!
A: You'll have to try it to find out.

There you have it, kids! Now get out there and start humpin'!

Okay, kids! It's time for...

THE UNICORN SHACK'S SPRING BREAK PARTY 2004!!!

This Spring Break, come party like a frantic, rabid animal in heat at Hotel The Shack! Our facilities are fully equipped to handle your destructive, sex-crazed tendencies. In fact, we're encouraging them!

Room features include:

- A year's supply of caffeine tablets - that's 3,000 for just one week! Don't miss a minute of Break!

- Two gallons of grain alcohol. "Everclear: Get to the point!"

- 24-hour broadcast of MTV's coverage - so you're never alone!

- 12 bottles of Astroglide and a week's supply of Viagra. You're always young and virile with a slippery erection!

So remember, kids: Party at The Shack and you'll never go back!

Holla.

Ask Dr. Ballsworth

The Doctor is in!

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Dear Dr. Ballsworth,

I am unable to move any part of my body, which has turned a bluish-white color. I also seem to be attracting flies. Can you help me?

Sincerely,
Ricky Mortis


Dear Ricky,

No one can help you because you're dead. Look into getting buried.

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Dear Dr. Ballsworth,

The left cheek of my derrier is itchy. Symptom has been present for approximately 4.5 seconds. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Trish Tickletushy


Dear Trish,

Have you tried scratching it? This effective treatment has been utilized for centuries by millions in nearly every culture in existence - and some imaginary cultures as well.

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Dear Dr. Ballsworth,

I've been experiencing severe, chronic rage accompanied by projectile blood-vomiting and the uncontrollable urge to bite people. What's going on with me?

Sincerely,
Johnny Infected


Dear Johnny,

Dude, have you ever seen 28 Days Later? Your symptoms sound just like that movie! Freaky. You should probably find someone to kill you in the most gory way available.

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Got symptoms? Get a doctor's advice without the price! Send an email to Dr. Ballsworth: bettyballsworth@yahoo.com.

To Hell with Homos, Bush Cries

In a brave adherence to principle, President Bush made the courageous decision to pander to the religious fundamentalist, rather than the vile deviant, contingent of the voting populace.

Thanks to our President for lending a hand in protecting the sacred institution of marriage from the corrupting influence of gay love!

Internal Company Memo

Please welcome Akhilesh Kumar, Oorjit Singh, and Sumati Patel to our staff!

In order to remain competitive in the amorphous economy of today, The Unicorn Shack is outsourcing. We realize this change may affect many of our readers. As a champion of innovation, we aspire to continue providing our readers with accurate, affordable posts. We're sure you'll come to see this as we do; sensible corporate strategy. Because that's what we're all about.

Thanks,
Management

Addendum: Some positions have been eliminated. Please see cafeteria bulletin board to check your employment status.

Headlines!

The Shack gives head...lines some serious thought.

Haitians be Hatin'

As the U.S. steps in to mediate the violent crisis in Haiti, they advise Americans to leave the country immediate to avoid getting "mediated" along with those rebel fuckers.

U.S. Urges North Korea to End Nuclear Work

The United States will gently nudge North Korea to "get dismantlin'."

"I think North Korea's unwillingness to discuss the uranium enrichment program could totally subvert President Bush's life-long dream for world peace," said official John R. Bolton. He continued, "If they didn't struggle, we wouldn't have to risk a nuclear holocaust."

Letters to Betty

Real correspondences from actual readers.*

Dear Betty,

I heard that you recently proposed to your boyfriend and he accepted. Congratulations! Did you choose the timing because it's okay for a woman to propose on a leap year?

Sincerely,
Sheila H.

Dear Sheila,

As you can probably glean from my previous entries, I regulate my behavior according to that which is socially permissible. While I wanted to wait - as women ordinarily should - for my boyfriend to determine my property value and decide to take a wife, I discovered this pre-matrimonial loophole that enabled me, as a genetically inferior and male-dependent female, the possibility to realize my lifelong dream to have a wedding! Oh, and be married, too.

I realize that on the surface this appears the very vanguard of feminism, but I assure you no revolutionary am I. Just another woman who needed to snag a man!

love,
Betty

*Some letters, their content, and authors may be completely fabricated.

Imperative Interrogatives presents...

Readers' Roundtable

The Unicorn Shack answers questions plaguing our readers on a wide array of important issues.

Q: Who is Tat and why does he or she always get a tit?

TUS: A better question to ask might be "Where is this surplus of tits that may be so frivolously depleted by handouts to name-determined recipients?"

Q: What is The Unicorn Shack's stance on the Superbowl incident involving Janet Jackson and partial nudity?

TUS: The Unicorn Shack is staunchly anti-conservative and pro-breast.

Q: What is a bistro?

TUS: Go ask the french, frog-lover. Freedom fries!

Got a question? We've got more questions! Get published on a marginally recognized and scarcely read blog: submit your queries to us at bettyballsworth@yahoo.com and we'll further puzzle you with our claptrap response!

Products for the People

The Unicorn Shack has done it again! Exploiting our new position at the cryogenics lab after hours, we've developed a new product that's sure to have every kid on the block envious - and clamping their materialistic jaws down on mom and dad's wallet.

Are you tired of having to make up psuedonyms for your mischief-making? Personal accountability getting you down?
Take the blame no more with Evil Twin!

That's right, we've stolen surrepticiously developed state-of-the-art cloning equipment and are putting it to work for the people. Send us your information and $99.99 and we'll send you our blood-drawing kit complete with step-by-step instructions. Soon you'll have an exact replica of yourself to send on errands, assassinate pesky government officials (make sure you're seen by many in a public place while your twin is commiting the crime), or play out your most twisted, self-obsessed fantasies.

Let your DNA do your dirty work with Evil Twin!

ADVERTISEMENT

The Happy Monkey Temporary Employment Agency wants you!

Complete this questionnaire to determine your eligibility for job placement with us.

1.) Which of the following best describes you?
a.) Free-thinking revolutionary
b.) Unquestioningly acquiescent and adaptive
c.) At the service of my superiors
d.) Angry and destructive

Answer: C
Obviously, A disqualifies you immediately; we don't need that hippie crap.
B is incorrect; anyone who understands the words "acquiescent" and "adaptive" is far too intelligent to be a Happy Monkey, and would probably end up organizing a union.
And D is another no-brainer; no one likes an angry Monkey. No one.

2.) Authority figures make me feel...
a.) hungry.
b.) myself.
c.) comfortable.
d.) in my place.

Answer: D
If you chose A, you're not for us; we can't have our Monkeys eating when they should be working.
B clearly puts you in the high-risk sexual deviant zone. While we want you to be subordinate, that's not quite what we mean.
Those who choose C are too relaxed to be controlled.

3.) If I disagree with my superiors, I...
a.) hold my tongue. It is not my place to speak my mind.
b.) raise a discussion on the issue at a group meeting.
c.) send an anonynous and threatening letter to my boss.
d.) none of the above

Answer: D
You should not have opinions of your own! Our Monkeys are obedient drones unable to question their birthright.

Not satisfied with the results of this test? Need a job that bad? In these dark times, The Unicorn Shack is here for you! We're offering a 3-week course in complacency that's sure to deaden your sense of self and shape you into a desirable employee for only $299.99! Scholarships are available to those showing accelerated levels of conformity and acceptance of television-imparted realities. Please contact the administratrix for more information.

And remember, a Happy Monkey is an employed Monkey!

Today's Special

Ricin Pudding

2 eggs
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup raisins or dried cranberries
2 cups milk
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 cups finely ground castor bean plant seeds (ricin)
ground nutmeg

Heat oven to 325 degrees F. Beat eggs in ungreased 1-1/2 quart casserole. Stir in sugar, raisins, milk, vanilla, salt and ricin. Sprinkle with nutmeg. Bake uncovered 50 to 60 minutes, stirring occasionally. Test doneness with knife; if clean remove from oven. Send to your favorite US Senator.

Fetish fun

The latest google search for unicorn penetration leads a British national hither!

Though we have not yet broached the bestiality barrier, we're confident that you, the internet surfer, will find satisfaction here at the Shack with the following excerpt from our newest pornographic publication: UniPorn!

"Yeah. You like that, unicorn? Huh? Take that. And that. Oh yeah. Shut your mythical mouth. That's it. Just like that."

Why The Superbowl is Important to Me
an essay

The Superbowl is the most biggest game in the sport of American football. There are many teams who want to be in it, but only two get to play with each other or against. There is a brown ball shaped like a lemon with white stitches. I heard somebody call it a "pigskin" but it doesn't look like a pig's pink flesh. Maybe a dead pig. This is thrown from a guy to a guy and sometimes a guy or a bunch of guys jump on a guy and a whistle blows. The point or goal of the game is to get the ball to the other side and to knock over as many guys as you can.

Anyway, everybody goes to public places with TV sets to yell about the game. They pick a team to yell for and yell against the other. If their team loses, they get really drunk and scream a lot. If their team wins, they get really drunk and scream a lot.

The Superbowl is important to me because it affects a lot of people, especially people riding the subway that gets stopped or turned over or set on fire. It is also important to beer companies and the government.