Tofautarky
A soy-based economy-alternative that limits trade with the outside world, relying mostly if not entirely on its own resources, and is usually made from seitan or tofu.
Goes great with...
EmbarGo Cola
The refreshing soft drink that prohibits commerce with nations as political punishment! Refreshingly crisp and economy-stifling.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Saturday, April 29, 2006
This Week's Highlights
Observe me living largely in my choice though artificial habitat.
I was financially penalized into submission.
Traffic laws were obeyed with all-time acquiescence and muttering umbrage after my insurance went up for a recent speeding ticket.
A dog made me rearrange furniture.
Much like David Berkowitz, I was compelled to do a neighborhood canine's bidding, which consisted of tasteful feng shui advice.
I made a joke so dry that everyone just thought I was dumb.
Subtlety is a lost art.
Meat was in the air.
Tepid sausage on the kitchen counter foretold a dark future of pungent meat-cooking.
I waited for an intervention.
Nervously anticipating some heroic meddling from my friends in response to my various unsustainable addictions, I waited.
I had the nervous breakdown everyone knew was coming.
Hilarity ensued.
I was financially penalized into submission.
Traffic laws were obeyed with all-time acquiescence and muttering umbrage after my insurance went up for a recent speeding ticket.
A dog made me rearrange furniture.
Much like David Berkowitz, I was compelled to do a neighborhood canine's bidding, which consisted of tasteful feng shui advice.
I made a joke so dry that everyone just thought I was dumb.
Subtlety is a lost art.
Meat was in the air.
Tepid sausage on the kitchen counter foretold a dark future of pungent meat-cooking.
I waited for an intervention.
Nervously anticipating some heroic meddling from my friends in response to my various unsustainable addictions, I waited.
I had the nervous breakdown everyone knew was coming.
Hilarity ensued.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Unarchives
Stupid joke that yes, I made up #147
Q: What do you call it when someone who's studying to become a traveling musician experiences a group of physical and/or psychological symptoms prior to graduation?
A: Preminstral syndrome!
Fuck you.
Q: What do you call it when someone who's studying to become a traveling musician experiences a group of physical and/or psychological symptoms prior to graduation?
A: Preminstral syndrome!
Fuck you.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Sunday, April 09, 2006
The Previews: Upcoming Movies
The Shack presents the following sneak previews of this summer's sure-to-be blockbusters.
Brought to you by DismemberMintsTM, the new goth mouth-freshener!
Sever bad breath with DismemberMintsTM!
Prose and Cons
A heartwarming tale of two cellmates who find love writing letters through a prison dating agency, only to find out that their penpals are actually each other! Rated NC-17 for extreme sexual content.
I, Robe
A documentary-style film about the origins and development of the bathrobe. Rated NC-17 for extreme sexual content.
The Sexy-Time Sexual Movie
A boy learns the art of mime in this autobiographical coming-of-age story. Narrated by Wilford Brimley. Rated PG-13 for a Marcel Marceau reference.
Academia Nuts
Two doctoral candidates experience a simultaneous psychotic break during their studies as a result of a food allergy, causing them to lose their housing, scholarships, and careers... and find love! Rated G.
Brought to you by DismemberMintsTM, the new goth mouth-freshener!
Sever bad breath with DismemberMintsTM!
Prose and Cons
A heartwarming tale of two cellmates who find love writing letters through a prison dating agency, only to find out that their penpals are actually each other! Rated NC-17 for extreme sexual content.
I, Robe
A documentary-style film about the origins and development of the bathrobe. Rated NC-17 for extreme sexual content.
The Sexy-Time Sexual Movie
A boy learns the art of mime in this autobiographical coming-of-age story. Narrated by Wilford Brimley. Rated PG-13 for a Marcel Marceau reference.
Academia Nuts
Two doctoral candidates experience a simultaneous psychotic break during their studies as a result of a food allergy, causing them to lose their housing, scholarships, and careers... and find love! Rated G.
The Unicorn Shack proudly presents: The Return of the Unicorn Shack
Yes, everyone, your favorite Shack is back, and presenting itself self-referentially.
Spurred on by the helpful suggestions/threats of friends, creator and CEO of The Unicorn Shack Betty Ballsworth has crawled out of the haze of depression and drug abuse to revive the blog of all - or at least some - blogs in a do and/or die fashion.
With sponsorship from the Foundation for Stop Talking About Me Like I’m Dead and an official endorsement from the Freelance Messiah Institute, the Shack officially pledges its tentative and highly conditional commitment to more regular posting* of the sardonic chicanery you’ve all grown accustomed to not seeing anymore. With an ambitious strategy to return readership to the tens of its heyday, Betty Ballsworth and her all-star staff will be working occasionally to bring you the most cutting-edge blog content available at this web address.
So put us back on your RSS, light some candles, and put on your sweats.
* Regularity of posting may not include increase in frequency or quality.
Spurred on by the helpful suggestions/threats of friends, creator and CEO of The Unicorn Shack Betty Ballsworth has crawled out of the haze of depression and drug abuse to revive the blog of all - or at least some - blogs in a do and/or die fashion.
With sponsorship from the Foundation for Stop Talking About Me Like I’m Dead and an official endorsement from the Freelance Messiah Institute, the Shack officially pledges its tentative and highly conditional commitment to more regular posting* of the sardonic chicanery you’ve all grown accustomed to not seeing anymore. With an ambitious strategy to return readership to the tens of its heyday, Betty Ballsworth and her all-star staff will be working occasionally to bring you the most cutting-edge blog content available at this web address.
So put us back on your RSS, light some candles, and put on your sweats.
* Regularity of posting may not include increase in frequency or quality.
Friday, October 14, 2005
This Week's Highlights
New heights of delight were achieved this week, as follows.
I failed to accurately convey the weirdness of a dream.
Not for lack of trying.
I wished I could shoot lasers out of my eyes.
Seriously, that would be awesome.
I used the phrase "This is our little secret" on at least two occasions.
My creepiness index went up a point.
I downloaded a bunch of power ballads from the 80's.
The devil made me do it. The devil likes Foreigner!
The government ruined my life.
I was financially penalized for a harmless error and subsequently made to feel my seemingly infinite impotence in a bureaucracy effective only in being cumbersome and unfair.
Sports fans go away.
The sixth circle of hell that is Fenway closed for the season.
People were stupid.
Ubiquitous idiocy reigned supreme.
I failed to accurately convey the weirdness of a dream.
Not for lack of trying.
I wished I could shoot lasers out of my eyes.
Seriously, that would be awesome.
I used the phrase "This is our little secret" on at least two occasions.
My creepiness index went up a point.
I downloaded a bunch of power ballads from the 80's.
The devil made me do it. The devil likes Foreigner!
The government ruined my life.
I was financially penalized for a harmless error and subsequently made to feel my seemingly infinite impotence in a bureaucracy effective only in being cumbersome and unfair.
Sports fans go away.
The sixth circle of hell that is Fenway closed for the season.
People were stupid.
Ubiquitous idiocy reigned supreme.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
I'm sorry I emasculated you in front of your friends
A letter to the guy* at the thing.**
Dear the guy,
I'm sorry I emasculated you in front of your friends. I realize that you didn't expect your stale notions of human existence or gender norms to be challenged by a dumb girl this evening.
All I can offer is my deepest condolences for the deflation of your ego and presumably your erection, though gladly I have no empirical evidence of the latter.
Best of wishes for the recovery of your delusional and archaic way of thinking.
love,
Betty
* Does it really matter which one?
** Let's assume some universal setting like a speakeasy or bath house.
Dear the guy,
I'm sorry I emasculated you in front of your friends. I realize that you didn't expect your stale notions of human existence or gender norms to be challenged by a dumb girl this evening.
All I can offer is my deepest condolences for the deflation of your ego and presumably your erection, though gladly I have no empirical evidence of the latter.
Best of wishes for the recovery of your delusional and archaic way of thinking.
love,
Betty
* Does it really matter which one?
** Let's assume some universal setting like a speakeasy or bath house.
Sunday, April 03, 2005
I know timing is everything, but I really want this suicide note to be perfect!
Prominent and semi-prominent people are dying. A lot. While we're not fearing the reaper, I figured I might as well make some glib commentary.
What can we do when our heroes off themselves?
- Sigh with relief about that last-minute decision to use pencil for "heroes list."
- Soliloquize in public places about the aberrant parody of humanity that is modern existence.
- Write a poem or short story.
- Throw a my-hero-died-so-buy-me-stuff party.
- Send a strongly-worded letter to Jesus.
- Shrug with jaded cynicism and tell everyone you saw it coming.
- Find new, less talented, more stable hero.
- Use it to get out of school/work/rehab.
- Let everyone know that you had nothing to do with it.
- Call friends to arrange collection of bet winnings.
- Make a list of mildly amusing reactions to mask your bemused chagrin.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
This Week's Highlights
Another week has passed. All right, more than a week. Feh! Have some highlights, already.
Gotta be me, drug free.
I abstained from all drug use for 7 days in a row just to see if I could.
I got real mad a lot.
Anger management skills reached lowest levels since adolescence and/or cocaine withdrawal.
March began.
Another page was turned on my Star Trek (OS) calendar.
My disillusionment with humanity knew no bounds.
People alienated me and I made sweeping generalizations about it.
My reclaiming of my identity as dope fiend knew no bounds.
The wanton drug bender I enacted following my 7-day abstinence was a terrible success.
I found new ways to express myself.
I was driven to make a t-shirt reflecting my general belligerence.
More alienation occurred.
At least one person probably thought I was too something: aggressive, intoxicated, leather-clad.
I denied imaginary accusations of being too aggressive, intoxicated, and leather-clad.
Gotta be me, drug free.
I abstained from all drug use for 7 days in a row just to see if I could.
I got real mad a lot.
Anger management skills reached lowest levels since adolescence and/or cocaine withdrawal.
March began.
Another page was turned on my Star Trek (OS) calendar.
My disillusionment with humanity knew no bounds.
People alienated me and I made sweeping generalizations about it.
My reclaiming of my identity as dope fiend knew no bounds.
The wanton drug bender I enacted following my 7-day abstinence was a terrible success.
I found new ways to express myself.
I was driven to make a t-shirt reflecting my general belligerence.
More alienation occurred.
At least one person probably thought I was too something: aggressive, intoxicated, leather-clad.
I denied imaginary accusations of being too aggressive, intoxicated, and leather-clad.
I conceded to the idea that I may have imagined some accusations.
Snow.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
What Men Want
A Cosmo extraction.*
Let's face it, girls, we're here for them! Once you've landed a man, cooking for him, cleaning for him, pleasing him, having his children, and taking the occasional punch in the jaw are all part of the gig. But how can you be sure you're doing everything correctly, gracefully, and with efficiency? Wouldn't it be great to have some guidance from the men we adore and serve? Well, wonder no more; we got the goods straight from the horse's mouth - we asked some of our favorite guys what they want, and this is what they told us.
"I like it when she goes down on me and leaves afterwards. Oh, and comes back to make the bed when I'm in the shower, but secretly, and leaves again before I get out."
"Don't talk about yourself. Unless you're talking about what you like about me, specifically stuff like going down on me and how much you enjoy it."
"It's best if she swallows, 'cause you know, less mess. Unless we're at her place. I don't mind leaving my seed there."
"It's a myth that men prefer virgins. They give really lousy head, it turns out."
"A neck massage is awesome after a really great blow job."
"I like it when girls say dirty words and stuff. It would be great if they could do that while they give head, but, you know, then it's all 'mmmrrmmfff' and 'cmmmnnk.'"
"You've got to be able to really cook a great meal. And go down on me."
*All implications present in this post are derived from and inspired by an issue of Cosmopolitan Magazine and are completely true.
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Unarchives
Stupid joke that, yes, I made up #68
Q: What do you get when everything that can possibly go wrong goes wrong with a mayonnaise and cabbage mixture?
A: Murphy's Slaw!*
*Don't hate me because I'm hilarious.
Q: What do you get when everything that can possibly go wrong goes wrong with a mayonnaise and cabbage mixture?
A: Murphy's Slaw!*
*Don't hate me because I'm hilarious.
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
Campaign 2005
The Unicorn Shack is sponsoring a new grassroots organization in the year 2005 targeting middle school and high school teenagers across America to inform and integrate them into the largest growing demographic in America:
The "Come Be Gay" Campaign
We're recruiting and attempting to convert your children to homosexuality. It's not always an easy task, so we're enlisting the help of actual homosexuals to spread their gayness through focus groups and skin contact. We'll be beginning on the East coast and traveling west across the Bible Belt.
Coming to your child's school soon!
The "Come Be Gay" Campaign
We're recruiting and attempting to convert your children to homosexuality. It's not always an easy task, so we're enlisting the help of actual homosexuals to spread their gayness through focus groups and skin contact. We'll be beginning on the East coast and traveling west across the Bible Belt.
Coming to your child's school soon!
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
What I Learned in Vegas
I learned it so you don't have to!
- It's not so hard to smuggle reefer on an airplane.
- Duct tape makes me itchy.
- It may be lonely at the top, but it sure is crowded in the middle.
- You've got to know when to hold 'em, especially when it comes to petty slot machines and your last five bucks.
- Prime rib dinner only 9.99.
- The American Dream smells a lot like stale cigar smoke and perfumed farts.
- The dumber people are, the more they will try to school you on things they know very little about.
- Egos are fragile.
- A friend with weed is a friend indeed, even if there are subtle signs of pathology.
- Hope is for suckers.
I definitely prefer my iniquities without the bright lights and bold-faced lies. Dimly-lit, surreptitious mistruths and despair are more my style. Boston, you're my home.
Monday, October 04, 2004
This Week's Highlights
A new week has come and gone. What have we learned?
I waited for inspiration.
Hoping for the big creative break that will propel me to immediate stardom, I waited.
The Presidential Debate made me giddily depressed.
I was even surprised by my surprise at feeling both glee and dolor about the president's fumbling.
A left-wing fundraiser I attended was far more depressing.
There are few social situations (as witnessed by me) that are more pathetic and tedious than a bunch of complacent liberals trying to impress each other with everso droll quips about the stupidity of the president. Yeah, he's dumb. Maybe you should go write a book about it that someone can put in their bathroom for a week. There's an entire genre dedicated to it.
I attempted to dull the pain with marijuana. Again.
It never works out quite like I want it to.
To my secret delight, my resume was ignored by a new cluster of employers.
I'm considering excluding the JPEG attachments of me at parties for the next round.
My life is the place to rock.
I waited for inspiration.
Hoping for the big creative break that will propel me to immediate stardom, I waited.
The Presidential Debate made me giddily depressed.
I was even surprised by my surprise at feeling both glee and dolor about the president's fumbling.
A left-wing fundraiser I attended was far more depressing.
There are few social situations (as witnessed by me) that are more pathetic and tedious than a bunch of complacent liberals trying to impress each other with everso droll quips about the stupidity of the president. Yeah, he's dumb. Maybe you should go write a book about it that someone can put in their bathroom for a week. There's an entire genre dedicated to it.
I attempted to dull the pain with marijuana. Again.
It never works out quite like I want it to.
To my secret delight, my resume was ignored by a new cluster of employers.
I'm considering excluding the JPEG attachments of me at parties for the next round.
My life is the place to rock.
Friday, September 24, 2004
This Week's Highlights
Share in the abridged glory of this week in the life of the Administratrix.
I had a nightmare that I had a job.
I returned to my first post-graduation job in this dream, groveled to be reinstated, then ran away in silent cowardice on the first day back.
Many fruit flies died by my hand.
Thrust into the heart of darkness on a serial fly-murdering mission, I sacrificed my humanity to become a killing machine.
My husband licked his own nipple.
Boys can do it too, apparently.
My cleverness knew no bounds.
After mixing together the leftovers of several different bags of low-grade marijuana, I proudly named the creation "pot-pourri."
I refused to bear a child.
In another casual conversation, I glibly renounced my reproductive capacity.
What a week! They can't all be this awash with happening...
I had a nightmare that I had a job.
I returned to my first post-graduation job in this dream, groveled to be reinstated, then ran away in silent cowardice on the first day back.
Many fruit flies died by my hand.
Thrust into the heart of darkness on a serial fly-murdering mission, I sacrificed my humanity to become a killing machine.
My husband licked his own nipple.
Boys can do it too, apparently.
My cleverness knew no bounds.
After mixing together the leftovers of several different bags of low-grade marijuana, I proudly named the creation "pot-pourri."
I refused to bear a child.
In another casual conversation, I glibly renounced my reproductive capacity.
What a week! They can't all be this awash with happening...
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
Unarchives
Stupid joke that, yes, I made up #17
Q: Why didn't the man who froze himself awaken?
A: His plan wasn't very well thawed-out!*
*Punctuates the clamor of shame.
Q: Why didn't the man who froze himself awaken?
A: His plan wasn't very well thawed-out!*
*Punctuates the clamor of shame.
Monday, September 13, 2004
Promotional item #459
Yay! You're in college, now. What's first on the list? Check out the dining hall? Purchase overpriced plastic "storage" units? Avail yourself to institutionalized exploitation by buying $100-a-piece textbooks from a monopoly-owned corporation with unfair labor standards?
Wrong! Hook up that stereo and shake the tweeter with College Cool, Vol. I.
That's right, kids; we've spent hours upon hours in the basement of a dorm researching what you seem to like and this compilation cd is what we've come up with.
Included are...
Classic Techno CD Skip
This piece features the quintessential techno beat with a built in skip in the cd track, so you can enjoy that 3-second loop over and over again - forever!
Yelling and Drums
Continuous, angry shouting accompanied by a simple 4/4 drum beat. Great for studying!
Nothing But Bass
Can't seem to get your stereo to blare that pure bass sound? Tweak no more with this track! Your whole life will vibrate with 130+ decibels of the lowest pitches audible to the human ear.
Someone Kicking a Trashcan
10 minutes and 45 seconds of pure trashcan-kicking goodness.
...and many more!
Put it on your credit card - then put it on "repeat!"
Wrong! Hook up that stereo and shake the tweeter with College Cool, Vol. I.
That's right, kids; we've spent hours upon hours in the basement of a dorm researching what you seem to like and this compilation cd is what we've come up with.
Included are...
Classic Techno CD Skip
This piece features the quintessential techno beat with a built in skip in the cd track, so you can enjoy that 3-second loop over and over again - forever!
Yelling and Drums
Continuous, angry shouting accompanied by a simple 4/4 drum beat. Great for studying!
Nothing But Bass
Can't seem to get your stereo to blare that pure bass sound? Tweak no more with this track! Your whole life will vibrate with 130+ decibels of the lowest pitches audible to the human ear.
Someone Kicking a Trashcan
10 minutes and 45 seconds of pure trashcan-kicking goodness.
...and many more!
Put it on your credit card - then put it on "repeat!"
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
Red Sox ParaFUNanlia!
The Unicorn Shack has decided to enter the lucrative world of sports merchandise! We're offering an exciting new product line for discriminating local fanatics.
Team Pride Self-Branding KitTM
Wanna show off your team pride? Brand it into your flesh! Kit includes stainless-steel soleplate with team logo (heats up to 600 degrees Fahrenheit) and 3-foot cord to plug into any outlet!
Yankees Suck CrossbowTM
Are you a "Yankee Hatah?" Prove it with the Yankees Suck CrossbowTM and pick off those scum-sucking filth-mongerers and their fans two at a time. That's what we call a double play! Not recommended for children under the age of 12.
Official Team RopeTM
Tired of the pain they keep putting you through every season? Don't know what you'll do if they almost make it to the World Series this year? Stop whining about it and hang yourself with Official Team RopeTM. Uses Royal American 3 Strand Nylon rope made in the USA.
Red Sox Car JackTM
At last the Red Sox have won the World Series! What are you going to do? Avoid back injuries flipping over cars and use the Red Sox Car JackTM first! That extra foot or so provides the ease in car-flipping that you'll need during this hysterical - and historic - moment.
Goes great with...
Boston Sox Flame-ThrowerTM
Companion piece to the Red Sox Car JackTM, this beauty will help you celebrate in the only way your rabid fanaticism will allow - setting the town on fire. Has a 15-yard shooting range to get those hard-to-reach places.
Call now to receive your free catalogue! 1-800-PARAFUNALIA
Team Pride Self-Branding KitTM
Wanna show off your team pride? Brand it into your flesh! Kit includes stainless-steel soleplate with team logo (heats up to 600 degrees Fahrenheit) and 3-foot cord to plug into any outlet!
Yankees Suck CrossbowTM
Are you a "Yankee Hatah?" Prove it with the Yankees Suck CrossbowTM and pick off those scum-sucking filth-mongerers and their fans two at a time. That's what we call a double play! Not recommended for children under the age of 12.
Official Team RopeTM
Tired of the pain they keep putting you through every season? Don't know what you'll do if they almost make it to the World Series this year? Stop whining about it and hang yourself with Official Team RopeTM. Uses Royal American 3 Strand Nylon rope made in the USA.
Red Sox Car JackTM
At last the Red Sox have won the World Series! What are you going to do? Avoid back injuries flipping over cars and use the Red Sox Car JackTM first! That extra foot or so provides the ease in car-flipping that you'll need during this hysterical - and historic - moment.
Goes great with...
Boston Sox Flame-ThrowerTM
Companion piece to the Red Sox Car JackTM, this beauty will help you celebrate in the only way your rabid fanaticism will allow - setting the town on fire. Has a 15-yard shooting range to get those hard-to-reach places.
Call now to receive your free catalogue! 1-800-PARAFUNALIA
Sunday, September 05, 2004
Letters to Betty
It's time again to read and respond to completely authentic letters from our beloved (and very un-made up) readers.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Betty,
I think I may be in love with myself. What should I do?
-Narcy Siss
Dear Narcy,
The best course of action would be to explore working in the performing arts, preferably as an actor or a musician. Or, if you don't have any artistic talents, try stand-up comedy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Betty,
I just don't know what to do this election. The nuances of this process elude me entirely. Do you have any advice for me?
- Abe Olitical
Dear Abe,
You should look into voting. There may well be a facility in your area that provides small, curtained areas for you to stand in while you do it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Betty,
My boyfriend wants to have anal sex but I'm not sure I want to. What should I say to him?
- Millie Vanilla
Dear Millie,
Nothing. You should always give a man what he wants. Just get some water-based lubricant, a medium-sized dildo, and something to bend him over.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Betty,
My barbie dolls are missing! Do you know where they are or who might've taken them?
- Barbie-less in Boston
Dear Barbie-less,
Nope. Don't know. Why are you asking me, anyway? I don't have them. I hate barbies. I hate their rubbery long legs and shiny hair, shapely buttocks and thighs... delicate, feminine feet... so many outfits to put on... and take off...
This abruptly concludes this post. Stay tuned for more sage-like advice from Betty, or send your own desperately naive quandaries to bettyballsworth@yahoo.com.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Betty,
I think I may be in love with myself. What should I do?
-Narcy Siss
Dear Narcy,
The best course of action would be to explore working in the performing arts, preferably as an actor or a musician. Or, if you don't have any artistic talents, try stand-up comedy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Betty,
I just don't know what to do this election. The nuances of this process elude me entirely. Do you have any advice for me?
- Abe Olitical
Dear Abe,
You should look into voting. There may well be a facility in your area that provides small, curtained areas for you to stand in while you do it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Betty,
My boyfriend wants to have anal sex but I'm not sure I want to. What should I say to him?
- Millie Vanilla
Dear Millie,
Nothing. You should always give a man what he wants. Just get some water-based lubricant, a medium-sized dildo, and something to bend him over.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Betty,
My barbie dolls are missing! Do you know where they are or who might've taken them?
- Barbie-less in Boston
Dear Barbie-less,
Nope. Don't know. Why are you asking me, anyway? I don't have them. I hate barbies. I hate their rubbery long legs and shiny hair, shapely buttocks and thighs... delicate, feminine feet... so many outfits to put on... and take off...
This abruptly concludes this post. Stay tuned for more sage-like advice from Betty, or send your own desperately naive quandaries to bettyballsworth@yahoo.com.
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