This Week's Highlights

Another week has passed. All right, more than a week. Feh! Have some highlights, already.

Gotta be me, drug free.
I abstained from all drug use for 7 days in a row just to see if I could.

I got real mad a lot.
Anger management skills reached lowest levels since adolescence and/or cocaine withdrawal.

March began.
Another page was turned on my Star Trek (OS) calendar.

My disillusionment with humanity knew no bounds.
People alienated me and I made sweeping generalizations about it.

My reclaiming of my identity as dope fiend knew no bounds.
The wanton drug bender I enacted following my 7-day abstinence was a terrible success.

I found new ways to express myself.
I was driven to make a t-shirt reflecting my general belligerence.

More alienation occurred.
At least one person probably thought I was too something: aggressive, intoxicated, leather-clad.

I denied imaginary accusations of being too aggressive, intoxicated, and leather-clad.

I conceded to the idea that I may have imagined some accusations.

Snow.

What Men Want

A Cosmo extraction.*

Let's face it, girls, we're here for them! Once you've landed a man, cooking for him, cleaning for him, pleasing him, having his children, and taking the occasional punch in the jaw are all part of the gig. But how can you be sure you're doing everything correctly, gracefully, and with efficiency? Wouldn't it be great to have some guidance from the men we adore and serve? Well, wonder no more; we got the goods straight from the horse's mouth - we asked some of our favorite guys what they want, and this is what they told us.

"I like it when she goes down on me and leaves afterwards. Oh, and comes back to make the bed when I'm in the shower, but secretly, and leaves again before I get out."

"Don't talk about yourself. Unless you're talking about what you like about me, specifically stuff like going down on me and how much you enjoy it."

"It's best if she swallows, 'cause you know, less mess. Unless we're at her place. I don't mind leaving my seed there."

"It's a myth that men prefer virgins. They give really lousy head, it turns out."

"A neck massage is awesome after a really great blow job."

"I like it when girls say dirty words and stuff. It would be great if they could do that while they give head, but, you know, then it's all 'mmmrrmmfff' and 'cmmmnnk.'"

"You've got to be able to really cook a great meal. And go down on me."

*All implications present in this post are derived from and inspired by an issue of Cosmopolitan Magazine and are completely true.

Unarchives

Stupid joke that, yes, I made up #68

Q: What do you get when everything that can possibly go wrong goes wrong with a mayonnaise and cabbage mixture?
A: Murphy's Slaw!*

*Don't hate me because I'm hilarious.

Campaign 2005

The Unicorn Shack is sponsoring a new grassroots organization in the year 2005 targeting middle school and high school teenagers across America to inform and integrate them into the largest growing demographic in America:

The "Come Be Gay" Campaign

We're recruiting and attempting to convert your children to homosexuality. It's not always an easy task, so we're enlisting the help of actual homosexuals to spread their gayness through focus groups and skin contact. We'll be beginning on the East coast and traveling west across the Bible Belt.

Coming to your child's school soon!

What I Learned in Vegas

I learned it so you don't have to!

• It's not so hard to smuggle reefer on an airplane.

• Duct tape makes me itchy.

• It may be lonely at the top, but it sure is crowded in the middle.

• You've got to know when to hold 'em, especially when it comes to petty slot machines and your last five bucks.

• Prime rib dinner only 9.99.

• The American Dream smells a lot like stale cigar smoke and perfumed farts.

• The dumber people are, the more they will try to school you on things they know very little about.

• Egos are fragile.

• A friend with weed is a friend indeed, even if there are subtle signs of pathology.

• Hope is for suckers.

I definitely prefer my iniquities without the bright lights and bold-faced lies. Dimly-lit, surreptitious mistruths and despair are more my style. Boston, you're my home.

This Week's Highlights

A new week has come and gone. What have we learned?

I waited for inspiration.
Hoping for the big creative break that will propel me to immediate stardom, I waited.

The Presidential Debate made me giddily depressed.
I was even surprised by my surprise at feeling both glee and dolor about the president's fumbling.

A left-wing fundraiser I attended was far more depressing.
There are few social situations (as witnessed by me) that are more pathetic and tedious than a bunch of complacent liberals trying to impress each other with everso droll quips about the stupidity of the president. Yeah, he's dumb. Maybe you should go write a book about it that someone can put in their bathroom for a week. There's an entire genre dedicated to it.

I attempted to dull the pain with marijuana. Again.
It never works out quite like I want it to.

To my secret delight, my resume was ignored by a new cluster of employers.
I'm considering excluding the JPEG attachments of me at parties for the next round.

My life is the place to rock.

This Week's Highlights

Share in the abridged glory of this week in the life of the Administratrix.

I had a nightmare that I had a job.
I returned to my first post-graduation job in this dream, groveled to be reinstated, then ran away in silent cowardice on the first day back.

Many fruit flies died by my hand.
Thrust into the heart of darkness on a serial fly-murdering mission, I sacrificed my humanity to become a killing machine.

My husband licked his own nipple.
Boys can do it too, apparently.

My cleverness knew no bounds.
After mixing together the leftovers of several different bags of low-grade marijuana, I proudly named the creation "pot-pourri."

I refused to bear a child.
In another casual conversation, I glibly renounced my reproductive capacity.

What a week! They can't all be this awash with happening...

Unarchives

Stupid joke that, yes, I made up #17

Q: Why didn't the man who froze himself awaken?
A: His plan wasn't very well thawed-out!*

*Punctuates the clamor of shame.

Promotional item #459

Yay! You're in college, now. What's first on the list? Check out the dining hall? Purchase overpriced plastic "storage" units? Avail yourself to institutionalized exploitation by buying $100-a-piece textbooks from a monopoly-owned corporation with unfair labor standards?

Wrong! Hook up that stereo and shake the tweeter with College Cool, Vol. I.

That's right, kids; we've spent hours upon hours in the basement of a dorm researching what you seem to like and this compilation cd is what we've come up with.

Included are...

Classic Techno CD Skip
This piece features the quintessential techno beat with a built in skip in the cd track, so you can enjoy that 3-second loop over and over again - forever!

Yelling and Drums
Continuous, angry shouting accompanied by a simple 4/4 drum beat. Great for studying!

Nothing But Bass
Can't seem to get your stereo to blare that pure bass sound? Tweak no more with this track! Your whole life will vibrate with 130+ decibels of the lowest pitches audible to the human ear.

Someone Kicking a Trashcan
10 minutes and 45 seconds of pure trashcan-kicking goodness.

...and many more!

Put it on your credit card - then put it on "repeat!"

Red Sox ParaFUNanlia!

The Unicorn Shack has decided to enter the lucrative world of sports merchandise! We're offering an exciting new product line for discriminating local fanatics.

Team Pride Self-Branding Kit^TM

Wanna show off your team pride? Brand it into your flesh! Kit includes stainless-steel soleplate with team logo (heats up to 600 degrees Fahrenheit) and 3-foot cord to plug into any outlet!

Yankees Suck Crossbow^TM

Are you a "Yankee Hatah?" Prove it with the Yankees Suck Crossbow^TM and pick off those scum-sucking filth-mongerers and their fans two at a time. That's what we call a double play! Not recommended for children under the age of 12.

Official Team Rope^TM

Tired of the pain they keep putting you through every season? Don't know what you'll do if they almost make it to the World Series this year? Stop whining about it and hang yourself with Official Team Rope^TM. Uses Royal American 3 Strand Nylon rope made in the USA.

Red Sox Car Jack^TM

At last the Red Sox have won the World Series! What are you going to do? Avoid back injuries flipping over cars and use the Red Sox Car Jack^TM first! That extra foot or so provides the ease in car-flipping that you'll need during this hysterical - and historic - moment.
Goes great with...

Boston Sox Flame-Thrower^TM

Companion piece to the Red Sox Car Jack^TM, this beauty will help you celebrate in the only way your rabid fanaticism will allow - setting the town on fire. Has a 15-yard shooting range to get those hard-to-reach places.

Call now to receive your free catalogue! 1-800-PARAFUNALIA

Letters to Betty

It's time again to read and respond to completely authentic letters from our beloved (and very un-made up) readers.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Betty,

I think I may be in love with myself. What should I do?

-Narcy Siss

Dear Narcy,

The best course of action would be to explore working in the performing arts, preferably as an actor or a musician. Or, if you don't have any artistic talents, try stand-up comedy.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Betty,

I just don't know what to do this election. The nuances of this process elude me entirely. Do you have any advice for me?

- Abe Olitical

Dear Abe,

You should look into voting. There may well be a facility in your area that provides small, curtained areas for you to stand in while you do it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Betty,

My boyfriend wants to have anal sex but I'm not sure I want to. What should I say to him?

- Millie Vanilla

Dear Millie,

Nothing. You should always give a man what he wants. Just get some water-based lubricant, a medium-sized dildo, and something to bend him over.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Betty,

My barbie dolls are missing! Do you know where they are or who might've taken them?

- Barbie-less in Boston

Dear Barbie-less,

Nope. Don't know. Why are you asking me, anyway? I don't have them. I hate barbies. I hate their rubbery long legs and shiny hair, shapely buttocks and thighs... delicate, feminine feet... so many outfits to put on... and take off...

This abruptly concludes this post. Stay tuned for more sage-like advice from Betty, or send your own desperately naive quandaries to bettyballsworth@yahoo.com.

Do you want to be a unicorn?

Here at The Unicorn Shack we try to encourage imagination and/or delusional thinking. Follow this link and follow your dreams!

"I died" and other lies

We've sent our fact-checkers and proofreaders on a brief hiatus in order to bring you the following very special post. The Unicorn Shack wants you to get to know Betty with the fun "celebrity" game that keeps you guessing - is she straightforward or frontin'?

Example: I died.

Truth or lie? LIE. Betty never died; to the wild disdain of many she lives to this day in a delirious haze of grandiose escape plans and bed-making.

I'm great in bed.

Truth or lie? TRUTH. Census of previous lovers indicates that, despite profound bitterness, intercourse with Betty is recalled with resentful lust.

I like unicorns.

Truth or lie? LIE. Betty hates unicorns and surrounds herself with them only to serve as a reminder that reality stands in stark contrast to fantasy.

I am an assasin.

Truth or lie? LIE. If Betty told you this one night in some sort of watering hole, you can be sure she was either trying to impress you or frighten you off. Perhaps both. She may have the occasional hit-and-run under her belt, but those were no highfalutin intentional deaths.

That's not my Barbie!

Truth or lie? TRUTH. Betty does not own or play with dolls, dammit. Especially not to play pretend-lesbian-friend games in the closet.

I live in a dorm.

Truth or lie? TRUTH. Much to her post-academic chagrin, Betty lives on campus at Boston University.

I love living in that dorm.

Truth or lie? LIE. Though she may have claimed to enjoy being underneath a college freshman, the basement of a dorm is totally not what she meant. Betty longs to cast off the manacles of the institution and get high in her own home, just like it was when she was a kid.

The end.

The corporate agenda & me

-a haiku poem inspired by reflections on team building excercises

if your company
was manifested in wood
i'd set it on fire

Unarchives

Stupid joke that, yes, I made up #32

Q: Why did the Eskimo leave his tribe?
A: He wasn't Innuit!*

*Again, the use of the exclamation point clearly indicates self-hating shame and the absence of the means to conceal it.

Letters From Summer Camp

Excerpts and complete fabrications from transmissions sent this summer

Re: I'm not dead.

Dear Mom and Dad,

As indicated in the subject line, I cling to life with ever-diminishing tenacity at Camp. Olfactory offenses and staff meetings are plentiful, as are general intestinal disturbances.

I learned to crochet and am making lots of hats, scarves, and other useful items here in the damp, hot forest. I was even able to crochet a sandwich at a recent meal. Needless to say regular access to bathrooms is a plus. That is, it would be if it existed.

With that, I must leave you. It is clean up hour - the one hour all week when campers must return to their bunks and be held there to clean up their child-film encrusted sleeping areas and I am finally able to crawl into a corner and rock myself into a frenzied state of giddy depression.

love and joy,
Counselor Betty

Unarchives

Stupid joke that, yes, I made up #78

Q: What was the lousy receptionist's blood type?
A: Type O!*

*The exclamation point is necessary to denote the false enthusiasm masking utter hopelessness.

My Diary - KEEP OUT!

Dear Diary,

It is Earthdate 0528040328. The carbon-based units suspect nothing.

I myself suspect my domestic partner, MYQ unit, to be entirely manmade. While "his" programming is nearly immaculate, there is an obvious flaw in communication design indicated by a most omnipresent tendency to initiate "plays on words" - a incessant application of formula no human could imitate. Additionally, anatomy is clearly exaggerated, though this has not proved an entirely un-beneficial defect.

Attempts to infultrate social circles have been lacking in substantial results. Gaining acceptance among carbon-based units has proved more difficult than anticipated. According to recent experiential data, the following statements and interrogatives are not appropriate means of approaching individual units: "You are clearly the offspring of one or more superior specimen"..."This gathering of humans is displeasing, let us steal away from this establishment directly"...and "I'm wearing underpants."

Despite lagging progress, the mission remains intact, its implementation imminent. We will triumph!

signing off,
E.L.A.I.N.E.

Letters to Betty

Our readers share agony and irony with The Unicorn Shack's all-knowing Administratrix.

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Dear Betty,

I'd like to be able to realize my dreams of gluttony by eating unlimited amounts of fat-laden foods without gaining weight. Any suggestions? Oh, and I'd also like to jump off a building twenty or more stories high without dying.

Sincerely,
Pollyanna Popculture

Dear Pollyanna,

Luckily for those without self-control or the will to develop it, there are means to avoid the consequences of one's actions, like living off the flesh of lesser creatures, extracting their life forces without loosening your belt. Try eating animals while they're still alive for optimal freshness.
To avoid dying when jumping from great heights, I'd suggest using the bodies of children, preferably low-income or foreign, to break your fall.

love,
Betty

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Dear Betty,

Lately I've been experiencing an overwhelming hostility toward humans and humanity itself. I feel like there are lies everywhere; in the mechanisms by which we live, our interpersonal operations, even to ourselves. It's as if the human race has convinced itself that cruelty and willfull ignorance are simply facts of life. Is there any hope for us and our world?

Sincerely,
Bleedy Hart

Dear Bleedy,

Nope. There isn't. That disgust you feel is a product of a level of awareness that is spawned by carelessly avoiding the ample distractions that are necessary to remove yourself from reality. Try watching some tv, reading some magazines. Take a trip to the mall, buy yourself something. You may not feel better right away, but soon the sharp pains of empathy and longing for truth and equality will fade into a dull, repressable backdrop. Good luck!

love,
Betty

Help Wanted

The Unicorn Shack is hiring! Join our innovative and friendly staff. The following positions are open.

Assistant to the Associate

Seeking a creative, cheerful individual, preferably with a marijuana supply and/or trade liaisons for daytime assistance in the following matters; operation of "this infernal espresso machine," setting up for yoga for one, toilet paper detail, pushing the "power" button on several appliances including television - both before and after use, jovial receipt of jokes told, mail ignoring, prank phone calls, cussing out passing cars, panty thievery, and any other duties that may arise. Compensation in criticism and signed autographs.

Associate to the Assistant

Seeking an ambitious individual for CD organization, pencil sharpening, box packing, box unpacking, lint categorization, dustbuster charging, cereal management and general pantry oversight, pillow fluffing, and keeping an eye out for the cops. Compensation in strong nods of approval with the possibility of spankings.

Please send a resume, an original poem, and a photocopy of your bum to Ms. Ballworth at bettyballsworth@yahoo.com.

Betty's Beauty Tips

Want to be beautiful? Now you can! The Unicorn Shack has developed a Top Ten list that will redefine your notions of beauty and create a rift in space and time through which you can leap to aesthetic appeal!

10.) Think positive. Nobody likes a sad clown. You'll be attractive someday if you put your mind to it!

9.) When naked, be sure to pose in positions that accentuate your good points and hide your fatness. For an instant flat stomach, try lying on your back.

8.) Wear clothing that flatters your shape. Just because Beyonce can pull off that halter doesn't mean it's okay for you! Top-heavy or bottom-bountiful, there's a style to hide your fat! Simple tricks like wearing jeans that allow room for your skin to breathe can not only give the appearance of a normal weight-level, but also avoid "camel-toe" and nasty yeast infections.

7.) Buy products that claim to enhance beauty. The more expensive, the better the result will be. Late night TV is a great place to find informative programs about products you can have sent directly to your home.

6.) Read magazines that portray unrealistic standards of beauty. You can't go wrong with constant feelings of inadequacy! This will ensure you're always on the latest diet craze and frenzied last-minute exercise trend.

5.) Get rid of good-looking friends. They're only working to make you look worse. In fact, they may have you around only to make themselves look better! Surround yourself with people who are less attractive than you (ideally people who haven't read this great list!).

4.) Stop eating so much. Being underweight is half the battle for beauty! Many can work their way down to eating once a day or even three times a week. Be sure to find alternative means for energy such as diet pills or street drugs so you're not a party-pooper.

3.) Great genes make for great looks. No, we're not talking denim! Having beautiful parents can greatly increase your chances of being attractive. Take a look and see.

2.) Avoid facial expressions of any kind. Did you know that every time you move your face, wrinkles are created? Try to keep your face rigid at all times. Open your mouth as infrequently as possible. Perhaps you could learn sign language if you feel the need to communicate. Otherwise, let your youthful appearance do the talking!

1.) Plastic surgery. No matter what you do, nothing is more effective than going under the good, old-fashioned knife or injecting diseases into your flesh. All you need is courage, a good doctor, and extraordinary wealth.

Now go out there and be beautiful!

Shack Attack! Regional News

Today's forecast: expect some weather accompanied by a possible rise or fall in temperatures.

Public Poll

This poll was designed to include many perspectives in public opinion. Please select the answer that best suits you from the following.

1.) The Patriot Act
a.) is one of the greatest democratic pieces of legislation to come to pass.
b.) put one or more of my family members in prison.

2.) George W. Bush is leading our country in the right direction.
a.) True
b.) Mostly true

3.) I support the War on
a.) Terror.
b.) Small Children.

4.) I think _______ tax dollars should be spent on the military.
a.) more
b.) a lot more

5.) The Bush administration's portrayal of Iraq's weapons of mass destruction was
a.) completely accurate.
b.) completely justified.

6.) This poll is inclusive of all viable perspectives.
a.) True
b.) I am a traitor.

This Just In!
In recent polls, more than 90% of Americans polled support the Patriot Act and the War on Terror, believe that George Bush is mostly leading the country in the right direction, that his administration was correct in its actions regarding Iraq's WMD, and that more tax dollars should go to the military.

Shack Attack! Your choice for unbiased, unadulterated news.

The Society for the Social Integration of White People presents...

Hooked on Ebonics

Do you have that not-so-stupid-fresh feeling? Do you continually alienate your black friends with your utter misunderstanding of their culture?

Well turn down that Pat Boone and turn up the crunk, fool, because Hooked on Ebonics is here to help!

Our skilled Urban Facilitators are fully trained in Hip Hop culture and style. You'll learn vocabulary, inflection, grammatical formulae, and even get some fashion tips from a real Brother!

"I knew some of the lingo before, but was totally unaware of the 'drop the -er and add -ah' principle in words such as "gangster." Hooked on Ebonics worked for me, you! Er... I mean, yo!"

-Dwight E. Honkster

Call now for your free introduction packet: 1-800-BLACK-ME. Let us help you work through your whiteness with the market's #1 product for the cool-challenged. Get hooked!

2004 Shack Haute Couture

The Unicorn Shack advises readers on what's prêt à porter and prêt à poor-taste this spring.

Non-nons: obesity, brown leather corsets, loose-fitting clothing, flats, individuality, and garments made from human flesh.

Oui-ouis: anorexia, stilettos, skin-tight clothing, conformity, penis-shaped costume jewelry

Also in this issue: check your social IQ

Are you a bitch? Find out with our exclusive The Unicorn Shack quiz!

1.) When I disagree with someone, I...
a.) argue my point with verve and eloquence.
b.) change my opinion to suit the situation.
c.) go to the corner of the room and cry.
d.) cut out the person's tongue.

2.) When my boyfriend wants sex and I'm not in the mood, I...
a.) communicate my present disinterest with sensitivity.
b.) tell him I have a headache until he pressures me into acquiescence.
c.) go to the corner of the room and cry.
d.) cut off his penis and feed it to him in cubed bits.

3.) Your boss tells you your blouse is a little too revealing and not to wear it again. You...
a.) request a copy of dress code policy for your review.
b.) promise to never dress so slutty again, go home after work and send another pizza to her house.
c.) go to the corner of the room and cry.
d.) sucker-punch the bitch and walk out proudly.

4.) A man is flirting heavily with you at the club and it's making you uncomfortable. You...
a.) tell him you're not interested and walk away.
b.) tell him you're a lesbian widow in mourning with mono, plus your boyfriend's a cop who'll be here any minute.
c.) go to the corner of the room and cry.
d.) take him home, tie him up, and anally rape him to prove a point.

Finished? Determine your score as follows: a = 2 points, b = 1 point, c = 0 points, and d = 3 points.

Score of 0 - 2: Congratulations, you're not a bitch! You can continue your weepy, nonconfrontational existence with the assurance that you've stepped on nary a toe.

Score of 3 - 5: Your passive-aggression is borderline bitchiness. Try to be more corner-dwelling and sobby.

Score of 6 - 8: You are self-possessed and confident; a total bitch.

Score of 9 - 12: You are aggressive, violent, and quite possibly running from the law. You should really be focused on more immediate issues than online quizzes.

Thanks for playing and remember to buy stuff!

The Unicorn Shack's Teen Sex Guide

All right, kids! Enough of you have found this site while researching dry humping that it's time we address the subject with a Q & A session. Please clear your desks, stop touching yourselves, and pay attention.

Q: Can I get pregnant from dry humping?
A: You can't get pregnant, little Johnny, because you're infertile. And a boy.

Q: What if I'm a fertile girl?
A: Then your parents have some explaining to do - to both of us.

Q: Is dry humping fun?
A: Well, sure! It's low maintenance and doesn't require the other person's permission or consciousness.

Q: How is it done?
A: Remember what Auntie Jane's dog did to your leg? Something like that, but hopefully involving someone within your own species.

Q: Can you achieve orgasm from dry humping?
A: That's rather personal.

Q: No, when I said "you" I meant the plural non-specific.
A: Oh.

Q: Well?!
A: You'll have to try it to find out.

There you have it, kids! Now get out there and start humpin'!

Okay, kids! It's time for...

THE UNICORN SHACK'S SPRING BREAK PARTY 2004!!!

This Spring Break, come party like a frantic, rabid animal in heat at Hotel The Shack! Our facilities are fully equipped to handle your destructive, sex-crazed tendencies. In fact, we're encouraging them!

Room features include:

- A year's supply of caffeine tablets - that's 3,000 for just one week! Don't miss a minute of Break!

- Two gallons of grain alcohol. "Everclear: Get to the point!"

- 24-hour broadcast of MTV's coverage - so you're never alone!

- 12 bottles of Astroglide and a week's supply of Viagra. You're always young and virile with a slippery erection!

So remember, kids: Party at The Shack and you'll never go back!

Holla.

Ask Dr. Ballsworth

The Doctor is in!

--------------------

Dear Dr. Ballsworth,

I am unable to move any part of my body, which has turned a bluish-white color. I also seem to be attracting flies. Can you help me?

Sincerely,
Ricky Mortis


Dear Ricky,

No one can help you because you're dead. Look into getting buried.

--------------------

Dear Dr. Ballsworth,

The left cheek of my derrier is itchy. Symptom has been present for approximately 4.5 seconds. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Trish Tickletushy


Dear Trish,

Have you tried scratching it? This effective treatment has been utilized for centuries by millions in nearly every culture in existence - and some imaginary cultures as well.

--------------------

Dear Dr. Ballsworth,

I've been experiencing severe, chronic rage accompanied by projectile blood-vomiting and the uncontrollable urge to bite people. What's going on with me?

Sincerely,
Johnny Infected


Dear Johnny,

Dude, have you ever seen 28 Days Later? Your symptoms sound just like that movie! Freaky. You should probably find someone to kill you in the most gory way available.

--------------------
Got symptoms? Get a doctor's advice without the price! Send an email to Dr. Ballsworth: bettyballsworth@yahoo.com.

To Hell with Homos, Bush Cries

In a brave adherence to principle, President Bush made the courageous decision to pander to the religious fundamentalist, rather than the vile deviant, contingent of the voting populace.

Thanks to our President for lending a hand in protecting the sacred institution of marriage from the corrupting influence of gay love!

Internal Company Memo

Please welcome Akhilesh Kumar, Oorjit Singh, and Sumati Patel to our staff!

In order to remain competitive in the amorphous economy of today, The Unicorn Shack is outsourcing. We realize this change may affect many of our readers. As a champion of innovation, we aspire to continue providing our readers with accurate, affordable posts. We're sure you'll come to see this as we do; sensible corporate strategy. Because that's what we're all about.

Thanks,
Management

Addendum: Some positions have been eliminated. Please see cafeteria bulletin board to check your employment status.

Headlines!

The Shack gives head...lines some serious thought.

Haitians be Hatin'

As the U.S. steps in to mediate the violent crisis in Haiti, they advise Americans to leave the country immediate to avoid getting "mediated" along with those rebel fuckers.

U.S. Urges North Korea to End Nuclear Work

The United States will gently nudge North Korea to "get dismantlin'."

"I think North Korea's unwillingness to discuss the uranium enrichment program could totally subvert President Bush's life-long dream for world peace," said official John R. Bolton. He continued, "If they didn't struggle, we wouldn't have to risk a nuclear holocaust."

Letters to Betty

Real correspondences from actual readers.*

Dear Betty,

I heard that you recently proposed to your boyfriend and he accepted. Congratulations! Did you choose the timing because it's okay for a woman to propose on a leap year?

Sincerely,
Sheila H.

Dear Sheila,

As you can probably glean from my previous entries, I regulate my behavior according to that which is socially permissible. While I wanted to wait - as women ordinarily should - for my boyfriend to determine my property value and decide to take a wife, I discovered this pre-matrimonial loophole that enabled me, as a genetically inferior and male-dependent female, the possibility to realize my lifelong dream to have a wedding! Oh, and be married, too.

I realize that on the surface this appears the very vanguard of feminism, but I assure you no revolutionary am I. Just another woman who needed to snag a man!

love,
Betty

*Some letters, their content, and authors may be completely fabricated.

Imperative Interrogatives presents...

Readers' Roundtable

The Unicorn Shack answers questions plaguing our readers on a wide array of important issues.

Q: Who is Tat and why does he or she always get a tit?

TUS: A better question to ask might be "Where is this surplus of tits that may be so frivolously depleted by handouts to name-determined recipients?"

Q: What is The Unicorn Shack's stance on the Superbowl incident involving Janet Jackson and partial nudity?

TUS: The Unicorn Shack is staunchly anti-conservative and pro-breast.

Q: What is a bistro?

TUS: Go ask the french, frog-lover. Freedom fries!

Got a question? We've got more questions! Get published on a marginally recognized and scarcely read blog: submit your queries to us at bettyballsworth@yahoo.com and we'll further puzzle you with our claptrap response!

Products for the People

The Unicorn Shack has done it again! Exploiting our new position at the cryogenics lab after hours, we've developed a new product that's sure to have every kid on the block envious - and clamping their materialistic jaws down on mom and dad's wallet.

Are you tired of having to make up psuedonyms for your mischief-making? Personal accountability getting you down?
Take the blame no more with Evil Twin!

That's right, we've stolen surrepticiously developed state-of-the-art cloning equipment and are putting it to work for the people. Send us your information and $99.99 and we'll send you our blood-drawing kit complete with step-by-step instructions. Soon you'll have an exact replica of yourself to send on errands, assassinate pesky government officials (make sure you're seen by many in a public place while your twin is commiting the crime), or play out your most twisted, self-obsessed fantasies.

Let your DNA do your dirty work with Evil Twin!

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The Happy Monkey Temporary Employment Agency wants you!

Complete this questionnaire to determine your eligibility for job placement with us.

1.) Which of the following best describes you?
a.) Free-thinking revolutionary
b.) Unquestioningly acquiescent and adaptive
c.) At the service of my superiors
d.) Angry and destructive

Answer: C
Obviously, A disqualifies you immediately; we don't need that hippie crap.
B is incorrect; anyone who understands the words "acquiescent" and "adaptive" is far too intelligent to be a Happy Monkey, and would probably end up organizing a union.
And D is another no-brainer; no one likes an angry Monkey. No one.

2.) Authority figures make me feel...
a.) hungry.
b.) myself.
c.) comfortable.
d.) in my place.

Answer: D
If you chose A, you're not for us; we can't have our Monkeys eating when they should be working.
B clearly puts you in the high-risk sexual deviant zone. While we want you to be subordinate, that's not quite what we mean.
Those who choose C are too relaxed to be controlled.

3.) If I disagree with my superiors, I...
a.) hold my tongue. It is not my place to speak my mind.
b.) raise a discussion on the issue at a group meeting.
c.) send an anonynous and threatening letter to my boss.
d.) none of the above

Answer: D
You should not have opinions of your own! Our Monkeys are obedient drones unable to question their birthright.

Not satisfied with the results of this test? Need a job that bad? In these dark times, The Unicorn Shack is here for you! We're offering a 3-week course in complacency that's sure to deaden your sense of self and shape you into a desirable employee for only $299.99! Scholarships are available to those showing accelerated levels of conformity and acceptance of television-imparted realities. Please contact the administratrix for more information.

And remember, a Happy Monkey is an employed Monkey!

Today's Special

Ricin Pudding

2 eggs
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup raisins or dried cranberries
2 cups milk
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 cups finely ground castor bean plant seeds (ricin)
ground nutmeg

Heat oven to 325 degrees F. Beat eggs in ungreased 1-1/2 quart casserole. Stir in sugar, raisins, milk, vanilla, salt and ricin. Sprinkle with nutmeg. Bake uncovered 50 to 60 minutes, stirring occasionally. Test doneness with knife; if clean remove from oven. Send to your favorite US Senator.

Fetish fun

The latest google search for unicorn penetration leads a British national hither!

Though we have not yet broached the bestiality barrier, we're confident that you, the internet surfer, will find satisfaction here at the Shack with the following excerpt from our newest pornographic publication: UniPorn!

"Yeah. You like that, unicorn? Huh? Take that. And that. Oh yeah. Shut your mythical mouth. That's it. Just like that."

Why The Superbowl is Important to Me
an essay

The Superbowl is the most biggest game in the sport of American football. There are many teams who want to be in it, but only two get to play with each other or against. There is a brown ball shaped like a lemon with white stitches. I heard somebody call it a "pigskin" but it doesn't look like a pig's pink flesh. Maybe a dead pig. This is thrown from a guy to a guy and sometimes a guy or a bunch of guys jump on a guy and a whistle blows. The point or goal of the game is to get the ball to the other side and to knock over as many guys as you can.

Anyway, everybody goes to public places with TV sets to yell about the game. They pick a team to yell for and yell against the other. If their team loses, they get really drunk and scream a lot. If their team wins, they get really drunk and scream a lot.

The Superbowl is important to me because it affects a lot of people, especially people riding the subway that gets stopped or turned over or set on fire. It is also important to beer companies and the government.

TV Guidance

The networks tickle our taste for absurdly elaborate and unlikely circumstances again with Who Wants to Be a US Citizen?, the new reality TV show based on President Bush's proposed immigration legislation. See what happens when Carlos, Juan, Jorge, Diego, Mariposa, Consuela, and Julio are taken off the raft and into a two-bedroom tenement where they'll compete for a visa to work in the United States - and start getting real on camera! Who'll get deported? Who'll hook up? Find out at 8:30 Sunday nights on Fox!

Fun with facts!

Who says no news is good news? The Unicorn Shack occasionally exploits the very serious world of current events to make some bad puns loosely based on unconfirmed rumors and generate some search-engine results.

Avian influenza
One flu over the cuckoo's nest
- or -
Oops, we thought birds were cannibals

Help for Heteros

Is your boyfriend an unwitting target for closeted homosexuals' come-ons? Tired of watching them flirt with him under the guise of interest in comic books and Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

Put an end to it all with Homo No Mo' cologne! The scent of freesia and vaginal secretions combined with his pheromones will drive even the strongest self-denying gay man to face the actuality of his repressed sexuality elsewhere.

Homo No Mo' ...when it's time to set things straight!

Albums of the year

Though 2004 has only just begun, The Unicorn Shack has its nominations in! The following albums are poised for recognition in 2005.

The Skinny Bitches - I'm Fuckin' Hungry!

Voyeurs' Antisemite Delight - The Chosen Peephole

Breaster Roundsby - Tune In, Tokyo

Cracker Jack - Iridescent Flesh

Jesus Chic - The Lord is My Savoir-Faire

The Condoms - Full O' Cum

John Mayer - Songs for Your Girlfriend

In the news...

MBNA Tells Me to Go Fuck Myself

SOMERVILLE, January 14 - In an unprecedented gesture of apathy, MBNA nonchalantly suggested the termination of our relationship yesterday after four long years of love, expenditures, and timely payments upon discovery of my employment status, and thereafter refused questions about the meaning of the bond we'd formed over these years, perhaps the best of my life.

"I don't know what happened," I told myself in an interview, "I thought we meant something to each other."

The courtship began in 2000 and quickly turned into a whirlwind affair. Credit limits were increased with passionate rapidity. Payments were reciprocated with many gift offers, such as a set of knives and a solar-operated radio.

"I knew something was wrong when my APR went up to 24.98%. When I confronted MB[NA] about it, they started asking questions about my household income. That never mattered to them before."

MBNA could not be reached for questioning after a 20 minute hold period.

The pain of this loss was exacerbated by the discovery of a letter from MBNA containing a pre-approved account to roommate Krista.

Sports Trivia

Did they win?
a.) YEAH! Woo-hoo!
b.) Did who win?
c.) Win what?
d.) When?
e.) I don't care.

That guy...
a.) ...so could've made that goal.
b.) ...was totally safe!
c.) ...was totally out!
d.) ...was totally out of syncronicity with the other swimmers!
e.) ...gives me a boner.
f.) ...all of the above.

Are you going to watch the game?
a.) Does a one-winged duck swim in circles?
b.) Only if I don't have to share the blanket with uncle Chester again.
c.) Uno isn't really a spectator sport.
d.) Perhaps the game will watch me.
e.) I am the game.

Are you fat?

Find out with this exclusive Unicorn Shack Questionaire!

1.) Are your ribs visible through your taut flesh?
a.) Of course!
b.) Not really.
c.) Mmm, ribs...

2.) How do you handle an eating binge after the fact?
a.) Vomiting is the natural follow-up to an eating binge.
b.) I don't really find myself binge-eating.
c.) Sleep it off.

3.) What do you think of size 0?
a.) It's a little loose.
b.) It's obviously intended to manipulate women's sense of self-worth by legitimizing and therefore encouraging an unhealthy weight level.
c.) I'm more into sweatpants.

4.) Cheesecake is...
a.) ...the enemy.
b.) ...not a problem in moderation.
c.) Where? WHERE!?

5.) The best way to get a man's attention is...
a.) ...to show my femininity by looking frail and eating salads.
b.) I don't require a man's attention to validate my womanhood.
c.) "...Hey, waiter!"

Done? The key is as follows:
If you answered anything other than "a" for any of these questions, you're a big fatty-fatpants and need help. Lucky for you, The Unicorn Shack is on the case! For three easy payments of $29.99 and one spirit-crushing payment of $149.99, you can get yourself The Unicorn Shack Fasting Kit. Comes complete with absolutely nothing edible and a tongue depressor for emergency vomit-inducing. Get yours before it's too late, fat ass!

Marriage counseling corner

"Dry humping saved my marriage!"
- you

That's right folks; that's what you'll be saying after you read this compelling discussion of dry humping, marriage, and dry humping's saving of marriage.
Are you tired of penetration? That same old in-and-out getting you down? Perhaps the flames of romance in your marriage have been smothered by gobs of bedside Astroglide.
Well, there's one solution that's "rocking" couples everywhere: dry humping. Feel the adolescent passion of delayed gratification by keeping your clothes on. But can I get off that way? you ask. Well, sure! Enough friction can start a fire, let alone stimulate your dirty, nasty genitals to orgasm. Try it today!

So topical!

In the news:

The Bush administration sinks to nearly compassionate humanitarianism to procure the hispanic contingent of the vote in 2004 in its new proposed immigration legislation. Critics and proponents alike are lauding the administration for its prudence in suspending world domination and the elimination of the weak to secure a second term.
When asked about reconciling this gross inconsistency wthin an otherwise successfully draconian occupation of the United States government, a White House spokesperson said, "The illegal aliens (or shadow-dwellers) this legislation targets will never actually receive greencards 'cause-" he giggled, "because the wait period is at least six years, and guest worker status expires after six years, leading to deportation. So we've essentially designed a plan that will screw hispanics AND get their vote."

Post 153

Our weed is missing. Nicole and I had to smoke espresso grinds. It did not work.

But we did travel through time. It was a harrowing journey through the past. We ended up back at the bar last night, but could not partake in the festivities as encountering our former selves would result in a breach in the space-time continuum.

Instead we decided to utilize the obvious alibi to commit the perfect crime. However, since we couldn't decide what the perfect crime was, we stole weed from our former selves, got high in the parking lot, and passed out.

Upon waking, we realized we'd been returned to the present. Apparently, the weed nullified the time-traveling properties of smoking espresso.

But where's the weed?

Post-Christmas depression on Christmas... and you

You've hastily unwrapped all your presents and forgotten them, leaving a feeling of emptiness made possible only by months of build-up; suggestive advertising, chronic shopping, and thousands upon thousands of permutations of Jingle Bell Rock. The egg nog has gone to your head this late morning, Christmas songs are triggering your gag reflex, and you're wondering if the dearth of spirituality you feel was brought on by your anti-depressant dose or the X-Box you didn't get this year.

Well cheer up, Buckaroo! There's still lots to do on Christmas day. Here's a list of games to chase away the blues of the unfulfillable void commodity fetishism.

Holiday fun

Play with plastic bags.
The danger of suffocation is half the fun! Once you're through, you can cut them up into tiny pieces and feed them to the dog.

Cut wrapping paper up into tiny pieces and feed them to the dog.
A variation on the classic "cut up plastic bags" bit.

Have a vomiting contest.
You sure feel like it, don'tcha? Make it fun the American way, with competition! Play it safe with a toilet bowl target or go crazy with a projectile match.

Stock up on your parents' painkillers.
They always have some lying around! They can't need all of them. Why not snag a few for later while the folks are sleeping off last night's binge drinking fest?

Smoke pot until you fall unconscious.
You've always heard it could happen, now realize that dream with indulgence fit for Christmas! Get high and sleep through the rest of this excruciatingly disappointing day.

Have a great rest of Christmas and don't forget to pay your credit card bills next month!

Multiple choice question of the day

Q: Why do they always let the monkey go?

I found this line written in my notebook and can only surmise it's referring to the all too common frivolous emancipation of captive mischevious monkeys, unleashing disaster upon the unsuspecting (though perhaps deserving) populace.

Answer:

a.) Because people love monkeys, and therefore tolerate their mischief.
b.) Because people love mischief, and therefore tolerate monkeys.
c.) The movie would be pretty pointless otherwise.
d.) I want a monkey!

Craft Corner

You had Fluffy stuffed in a post-mortem moment of sentimentality, but after years of attempts at repositioning the remains in various household rooms, you've just about given up. You can't just toss it in the trash, but Fluffy has turned out to be one big feng shui failure.

Concurrently, your mom still hasn't returned your bong, borrowed almost a week ago now.

Why not ameliorate these dilemmas jointly? Make Fluffy into a bong! By adding functionality to your taxidermed critter, you can literally breathe new purpose into pets long passed. Storage becomes a cinch when Fluffy can replace your 4 foot hooka.

FAQ

Q: I don't have any marijuana. What should I do?
A: You could buy some.

Q: Isn't my stuffed pet flammable?
A: Probably.

Q: I find this highly implausible.
A: That's not a question!

Q: Do you like pudding?
A: Clearly.