Post 153
Our weed is missing. Nicole and I had to smoke espresso grinds. It did not work.
But we did travel through time. It was a harrowing journey through the past. We ended up back at the bar last night, but could not partake in the festivities as encountering our former selves would result in a breach in the space-time continuum.
Instead we decided to utilize the obvious alibi to commit the perfect crime. However, since we couldn't decide what the perfect crime was, we stole weed from our former selves, got high in the parking lot, and passed out.
Upon waking, we realized we'd been returned to the present. Apparently, the weed nullified the time-traveling properties of smoking espresso.
But where's the weed?
Thursday, December 25, 2003
Post-Christmas depression on Christmas... and you
You've hastily unwrapped all your presents and forgotten them, leaving a feeling of emptiness made possible only by months of build-up; suggestive advertising, chronic shopping, and thousands upon thousands of permutations of Jingle Bell Rock. The egg nog has gone to your head this late morning, Christmas songs are triggering your gag reflex, and you're wondering if the dearth of spirituality you feel was brought on by your anti-depressant dose or the X-Box you didn't get this year.
Well cheer up, Buckaroo! There's still lots to do on Christmas day. Here's a list of games to chase away the blues of the unfulfillable void commodity fetishism.
Holiday fun
Play with plastic bags.
The danger of suffocation is half the fun! Once you're through, you can cut them up into tiny pieces and feed them to the dog.
Cut wrapping paper up into tiny pieces and feed them to the dog.
A variation on the classic "cut up plastic bags" bit.
Have a vomiting contest.
You sure feel like it, don'tcha? Make it fun the American way, with competition! Play it safe with a toilet bowl target or go crazy with a projectile match.
Stock up on your parents' painkillers.
They always have some lying around! They can't need all of them. Why not snag a few for later while the folks are sleeping off last night's binge drinking fest?
Smoke pot until you fall unconscious.
You've always heard it could happen, now realize that dream with indulgence fit for Christmas! Get high and sleep through the rest of this excruciatingly disappointing day.
Have a great rest of Christmas and don't forget to pay your credit card bills next month!
You've hastily unwrapped all your presents and forgotten them, leaving a feeling of emptiness made possible only by months of build-up; suggestive advertising, chronic shopping, and thousands upon thousands of permutations of Jingle Bell Rock. The egg nog has gone to your head this late morning, Christmas songs are triggering your gag reflex, and you're wondering if the dearth of spirituality you feel was brought on by your anti-depressant dose or the X-Box you didn't get this year.
Well cheer up, Buckaroo! There's still lots to do on Christmas day. Here's a list of games to chase away the blues of the unfulfillable void commodity fetishism.
Holiday fun
Play with plastic bags.
The danger of suffocation is half the fun! Once you're through, you can cut them up into tiny pieces and feed them to the dog.
Cut wrapping paper up into tiny pieces and feed them to the dog.
A variation on the classic "cut up plastic bags" bit.
Have a vomiting contest.
You sure feel like it, don'tcha? Make it fun the American way, with competition! Play it safe with a toilet bowl target or go crazy with a projectile match.
Stock up on your parents' painkillers.
They always have some lying around! They can't need all of them. Why not snag a few for later while the folks are sleeping off last night's binge drinking fest?
Smoke pot until you fall unconscious.
You've always heard it could happen, now realize that dream with indulgence fit for Christmas! Get high and sleep through the rest of this excruciatingly disappointing day.
Have a great rest of Christmas and don't forget to pay your credit card bills next month!
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
Multiple choice question of the day
Q: Why do they always let the monkey go?
I found this line written in my notebook and can only surmise it's referring to the all too common frivolous emancipation of captive mischevious monkeys, unleashing disaster upon the unsuspecting (though perhaps deserving) populace.
Answer:
a.) Because people love monkeys, and therefore tolerate their mischief.
b.) Because people love mischief, and therefore tolerate monkeys.
c.) The movie would be pretty pointless otherwise.
d.) I want a monkey!
Q: Why do they always let the monkey go?
I found this line written in my notebook and can only surmise it's referring to the all too common frivolous emancipation of captive mischevious monkeys, unleashing disaster upon the unsuspecting (though perhaps deserving) populace.
Answer:
a.) Because people love monkeys, and therefore tolerate their mischief.
b.) Because people love mischief, and therefore tolerate monkeys.
c.) The movie would be pretty pointless otherwise.
d.) I want a monkey!
Monday, December 22, 2003
Craft Corner
You had Fluffy stuffed in a post-mortem moment of sentimentality, but after years of attempts at repositioning the remains in various household rooms, you've just about given up. You can't just toss it in the trash, but Fluffy has turned out to be one big feng shui failure.
Concurrently, your mom still hasn't returned your bong, borrowed almost a week ago now.
Why not ameliorate these dilemmas jointly? Make Fluffy into a bong! By adding functionality to your taxidermed critter, you can literally breathe new purpose into pets long passed. Storage becomes a cinch when Fluffy can replace your 4 foot hooka.
FAQ
Q: I don't have any marijuana. What should I do?
A: You could buy some.
Q: Isn't my stuffed pet flammable?
A: Probably.
Q: I find this highly implausible.
A: That's not a question!
Q: Do you like pudding?
A: Clearly.
You had Fluffy stuffed in a post-mortem moment of sentimentality, but after years of attempts at repositioning the remains in various household rooms, you've just about given up. You can't just toss it in the trash, but Fluffy has turned out to be one big feng shui failure.
Concurrently, your mom still hasn't returned your bong, borrowed almost a week ago now.
Why not ameliorate these dilemmas jointly? Make Fluffy into a bong! By adding functionality to your taxidermed critter, you can literally breathe new purpose into pets long passed. Storage becomes a cinch when Fluffy can replace your 4 foot hooka.
FAQ
Q: I don't have any marijuana. What should I do?
A: You could buy some.
Q: Isn't my stuffed pet flammable?
A: Probably.
Q: I find this highly implausible.
A: That's not a question!
Q: Do you like pudding?
A: Clearly.
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