Betty's Beauty Tips
Want to be beautiful? Now you can! The Unicorn Shack has developed a Top Ten list that will redefine your notions of beauty and create a rift in space and time through which you can leap to aesthetic appeal!
10.) Think positive. Nobody likes a sad clown. You'll be attractive someday if you put your mind to it!
9.) When naked, be sure to pose in positions that accentuate your good points and hide your fatness. For an instant flat stomach, try lying on your back.
8.) Wear clothing that flatters your shape. Just because Beyonce can pull off that halter doesn't mean it's okay for you! Top-heavy or bottom-bountiful, there's a style to hide your fat! Simple tricks like wearing jeans that allow room for your skin to breathe can not only give the appearance of a normal weight-level, but also avoid "camel-toe" and nasty yeast infections.
7.) Buy products that claim to enhance beauty. The more expensive, the better the result will be. Late night TV is a great place to find informative programs about products you can have sent directly to your home.
6.) Read magazines that portray unrealistic standards of beauty. You can't go wrong with constant feelings of inadequacy! This will ensure you're always on the latest diet craze and frenzied last-minute exercise trend.
5.) Get rid of good-looking friends. They're only working to make you look worse. In fact, they may have you around only to make themselves look better! Surround yourself with people who are less attractive than you (ideally people who haven't read this great list!).
4.) Stop eating so much. Being underweight is half the battle for beauty! Many can work their way down to eating once a day or even three times a week. Be sure to find alternative means for energy such as diet pills or street drugs so you're not a party-pooper.
3.) Great genes make for great looks. No, we're not talking denim! Having beautiful parents can greatly increase your chances of being attractive. Take a look and see.
2.) Avoid facial expressions of any kind. Did you know that every time you move your face, wrinkles are created? Try to keep your face rigid at all times. Open your mouth as infrequently as possible. Perhaps you could learn sign language if you feel the need to communicate. Otherwise, let your youthful appearance do the talking!
1.) Plastic surgery. No matter what you do, nothing is more effective than going under the good, old-fashioned knife or injecting diseases into your flesh. All you need is courage, a good doctor, and extraordinary wealth.
Now go out there and be beautiful!
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
Shack Attack! Regional News
Today's forecast: expect some weather accompanied by a possible rise or fall in temperatures.
Public Poll
This poll was designed to include many perspectives in public opinion. Please select the answer that best suits you from the following.
1.) The Patriot Act
a.) is one of the greatest democratic pieces of legislation to come to pass.
b.) put one or more of my family members in prison.
2.) George W. Bush is leading our country in the right direction.
a.) True
b.) Mostly true
3.) I support the War on
a.) Terror.
b.) Small Children.
4.) I think _______ tax dollars should be spent on the military.
a.) more
b.) a lot more
5.) The Bush administration's portrayal of Iraq's weapons of mass destruction was
a.) completely accurate.
b.) completely justified.
6.) This poll is inclusive of all viable perspectives.
a.) True
b.) I am a traitor.
This Just In!
In recent polls, more than 90% of Americans polled support the Patriot Act and the War on Terror, believe that George Bush is mostly leading the country in the right direction, that his administration was correct in its actions regarding Iraq's WMD, and that more tax dollars should go to the military.
Shack Attack! Your choice for unbiased, unadulterated news.
Today's forecast: expect some weather accompanied by a possible rise or fall in temperatures.
Public Poll
This poll was designed to include many perspectives in public opinion. Please select the answer that best suits you from the following.
1.) The Patriot Act
a.) is one of the greatest democratic pieces of legislation to come to pass.
b.) put one or more of my family members in prison.
2.) George W. Bush is leading our country in the right direction.
a.) True
b.) Mostly true
3.) I support the War on
a.) Terror.
b.) Small Children.
4.) I think _______ tax dollars should be spent on the military.
a.) more
b.) a lot more
5.) The Bush administration's portrayal of Iraq's weapons of mass destruction was
a.) completely accurate.
b.) completely justified.
6.) This poll is inclusive of all viable perspectives.
a.) True
b.) I am a traitor.
This Just In!
In recent polls, more than 90% of Americans polled support the Patriot Act and the War on Terror, believe that George Bush is mostly leading the country in the right direction, that his administration was correct in its actions regarding Iraq's WMD, and that more tax dollars should go to the military.
Shack Attack! Your choice for unbiased, unadulterated news.
Monday, March 08, 2004
The Society for the Social Integration of White People presents...
Hooked on Ebonics
Do you have that not-so-stupid-fresh feeling? Do you continually alienate your black friends with your utter misunderstanding of their culture?
Well turn down that Pat Boone and turn up the crunk, fool, because Hooked on Ebonics is here to help!
Our skilled Urban Facilitators are fully trained in Hip Hop culture and style. You'll learn vocabulary, inflection, grammatical formulae, and even get some fashion tips from a real Brother!
"I knew some of the lingo before, but was totally unaware of the 'drop the -er and add -ah' principle in words such as "gangster." Hooked on Ebonics worked for me, you! Er... I mean, yo!"
-Dwight E. Honkster
Call now for your free introduction packet: 1-800-BLACK-ME. Let us help you work through your whiteness with the market's #1 product for the cool-challenged. Get hooked!
Hooked on Ebonics
Do you have that not-so-stupid-fresh feeling? Do you continually alienate your black friends with your utter misunderstanding of their culture?
Well turn down that Pat Boone and turn up the crunk, fool, because Hooked on Ebonics is here to help!
Our skilled Urban Facilitators are fully trained in Hip Hop culture and style. You'll learn vocabulary, inflection, grammatical formulae, and even get some fashion tips from a real Brother!
"I knew some of the lingo before, but was totally unaware of the 'drop the -er and add -ah' principle in words such as "gangster." Hooked on Ebonics worked for me, you! Er... I mean, yo!"
-Dwight E. Honkster
Call now for your free introduction packet: 1-800-BLACK-ME. Let us help you work through your whiteness with the market's #1 product for the cool-challenged. Get hooked!
Thursday, March 04, 2004
2004 Shack Haute Couture
The Unicorn Shack advises readers on what's prêt à porter and prêt à poor-taste this spring.
Non-nons: obesity, brown leather corsets, loose-fitting clothing, flats, individuality, and garments made from human flesh.
Oui-ouis: anorexia, stilettos, skin-tight clothing, conformity, penis-shaped costume jewelry
Also in this issue: check your social IQ
Are you a bitch? Find out with our exclusive The Unicorn Shack quiz!
1.) When I disagree with someone, I...
a.) argue my point with verve and eloquence.
b.) change my opinion to suit the situation.
c.) go to the corner of the room and cry.
d.) cut out the person's tongue.
2.) When my boyfriend wants sex and I'm not in the mood, I...
a.) communicate my present disinterest with sensitivity.
b.) tell him I have a headache until he pressures me into acquiescence.
c.) go to the corner of the room and cry.
d.) cut off his penis and feed it to him in cubed bits.
3.) Your boss tells you your blouse is a little too revealing and not to wear it again. You...
a.) request a copy of dress code policy for your review.
b.) promise to never dress so slutty again, go home after work and send another pizza to her house.
c.) go to the corner of the room and cry.
d.) sucker-punch the bitch and walk out proudly.
4.) A man is flirting heavily with you at the club and it's making you uncomfortable. You...
a.) tell him you're not interested and walk away.
b.) tell him you're a lesbian widow in mourning with mono, plus your boyfriend's a cop who'll be here any minute.
c.) go to the corner of the room and cry.
d.) take him home, tie him up, and anally rape him to prove a point.
Finished? Determine your score as follows: a = 2 points, b = 1 point, c = 0 points, and d = 3 points.
Score of 0 - 2: Congratulations, you're not a bitch! You can continue your weepy, nonconfrontational existence with the assurance that you've stepped on nary a toe.
Score of 3 - 5: Your passive-aggression is borderline bitchiness. Try to be more corner-dwelling and sobby.
Score of 6 - 8: You are self-possessed and confident; a total bitch.
Score of 9 - 12: You are aggressive, violent, and quite possibly running from the law. You should really be focused on more immediate issues than online quizzes.
Thanks for playing and remember to buy stuff!
The Unicorn Shack advises readers on what's prêt à porter and prêt à poor-taste this spring.
Non-nons: obesity, brown leather corsets, loose-fitting clothing, flats, individuality, and garments made from human flesh.
Oui-ouis: anorexia, stilettos, skin-tight clothing, conformity, penis-shaped costume jewelry
Also in this issue: check your social IQ
Are you a bitch? Find out with our exclusive The Unicorn Shack quiz!
1.) When I disagree with someone, I...
a.) argue my point with verve and eloquence.
b.) change my opinion to suit the situation.
c.) go to the corner of the room and cry.
d.) cut out the person's tongue.
2.) When my boyfriend wants sex and I'm not in the mood, I...
a.) communicate my present disinterest with sensitivity.
b.) tell him I have a headache until he pressures me into acquiescence.
c.) go to the corner of the room and cry.
d.) cut off his penis and feed it to him in cubed bits.
3.) Your boss tells you your blouse is a little too revealing and not to wear it again. You...
a.) request a copy of dress code policy for your review.
b.) promise to never dress so slutty again, go home after work and send another pizza to her house.
c.) go to the corner of the room and cry.
d.) sucker-punch the bitch and walk out proudly.
4.) A man is flirting heavily with you at the club and it's making you uncomfortable. You...
a.) tell him you're not interested and walk away.
b.) tell him you're a lesbian widow in mourning with mono, plus your boyfriend's a cop who'll be here any minute.
c.) go to the corner of the room and cry.
d.) take him home, tie him up, and anally rape him to prove a point.
Finished? Determine your score as follows: a = 2 points, b = 1 point, c = 0 points, and d = 3 points.
Score of 0 - 2: Congratulations, you're not a bitch! You can continue your weepy, nonconfrontational existence with the assurance that you've stepped on nary a toe.
Score of 3 - 5: Your passive-aggression is borderline bitchiness. Try to be more corner-dwelling and sobby.
Score of 6 - 8: You are self-possessed and confident; a total bitch.
Score of 9 - 12: You are aggressive, violent, and quite possibly running from the law. You should really be focused on more immediate issues than online quizzes.
Thanks for playing and remember to buy stuff!
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