Friday, April 30, 2004

Letters to Betty

Our readers share agony and irony with The Unicorn Shack's all-knowing Administratrix.

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Dear Betty,

I'd like to be able to realize my dreams of gluttony by eating unlimited amounts of fat-laden foods without gaining weight. Any suggestions? Oh, and I'd also like to jump off a building twenty or more stories high without dying.

Sincerely,
Pollyanna Popculture

Dear Pollyanna,

Luckily for those without self-control or the will to develop it, there are means to avoid the consequences of one's actions, like living off the flesh of lesser creatures, extracting their life forces without loosening your belt. Try eating animals while they're still alive for optimal freshness.
To avoid dying when jumping from great heights, I'd suggest using the bodies of children, preferably low-income or foreign, to break your fall.

love,
Betty

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Dear Betty,

Lately I've been experiencing an overwhelming hostility toward humans and humanity itself. I feel like there are lies everywhere; in the mechanisms by which we live, our interpersonal operations, even to ourselves. It's as if the human race has convinced itself that cruelty and willfull ignorance are simply facts of life. Is there any hope for us and our world?

Sincerely,
Bleedy Hart

Dear Bleedy,

Nope. There isn't. That disgust you feel is a product of a level of awareness that is spawned by carelessly avoiding the ample distractions that are necessary to remove yourself from reality. Try watching some tv, reading some magazines. Take a trip to the mall, buy yourself something. You may not feel better right away, but soon the sharp pains of empathy and longing for truth and equality will fade into a dull, repressable backdrop. Good luck!

love,
Betty

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

Help Wanted

The Unicorn Shack is hiring! Join our innovative and friendly staff. The following positions are open.

Assistant to the Associate

Seeking a creative, cheerful individual, preferably with a marijuana supply and/or trade liaisons for daytime assistance in the following matters; operation of "this infernal espresso machine," setting up for yoga for one, toilet paper detail, pushing the "power" button on several appliances including television - both before and after use, jovial receipt of jokes told, mail ignoring, prank phone calls, cussing out passing cars, panty thievery, and any other duties that may arise. Compensation in criticism and signed autographs.

Associate to the Assistant

Seeking an ambitious individual for CD organization, pencil sharpening, box packing, box unpacking, lint categorization, dustbuster charging, cereal management and general pantry oversight, pillow fluffing, and keeping an eye out for the cops. Compensation in strong nods of approval with the possibility of spankings.

Please send a resume, an original poem, and a photocopy of your bum to Ms. Ballworth at bettyballsworth@yahoo.com.